What a day today..I posted this on Facebook....very scary..

Man, I did it! I actually did it! I posted this to Facebook..I felt like I wanted to throw up and excited all at the same time. For some reason I was feeling a little embarrassed and humiliated that this happened to me.  I don't not know why.  My kid's have been great and they always encourage me and keep me going! My boyfriend Sergio is the most positive person I know! I have so much love for all of them!  They helped me see that I have no reason to feel all those terrible emotions. I should not be ashamed or frightened.  I can finally say," I've arrived!"

Why today? Well, I will tell you! I had a little something happen yesterday that really scared me...ugh..being honest is kind of tough.  I had a panic attack yesterday, because the night before I had a horrible nightmare that felt so real.  I lived some of those moments again in my nightmare and it was so frightening. I could feel the pain of the punches. I remembered a cold stare, a look that I that I had not seen before. The cold eyes upon me like ice water to the skin..I got the chills.   I could feel myself losing consciousness as more of the nightmare is unfolding.  I wake up feeling the excruciating pain to my entire body.  I'm shaking in a panic...my son is with his dad this week and my daughter is at her boyfriends house.  I freaked out just walking from my bedroom to the front of the house and the other bedroom checking windows and doors.  I was crying and feeling the same fear from that horrible night.  Nights like that never end well for me.

Two days ago I had another bad day.   This horrible day and the journey is taking a toll on me because I never really dealt with it.  I also miss my boyfriend so much and he's in San Diego.  I'm trying to make a move to San Diego so I will not have to look over my shoulder all the time. I don't want to look out a window when I get up just to make sure he is not standing there....I want to see the Ocean instead! I don't want to live in fear anymore. I want to live in a new environment.  I want to live in a new place and make more friends. I want to live by the ocean!  My baby Sergio is helping through the process.  (Thanks baby!)

My boyfriend reminded me to focus on the positive. Focus on where I want to go and think about our future together! Done! My boyfriend wanted me to have a great day today!!!   He sends me text messages every morning..the second he wakes up!  I love that! Today he said to "give it up!" Meaning give it to God.  He is so cute!! He called me twice...sent me two text messages..sent me two emails! Basically saying the same thing. Give it up! He pushed me today because I really needed it! So.... That's why today is the day!

I also learned (by Sergio pointing this out) that I keep focusing on negative energy! Shoot! I do keep doing that! As I sat back to think about my day and work things I started thinking.  I can think of all kinds of negative things to focus on...but where are all the positives.  I said something crazy and Sergio said, "Baby, what are you talking about? You accomplished a lot today! Focus on the positive baby.  Your a strong woman.  You walk with your head held high!"

Today had to be the day!