Through the eyes of the victim

I remember moments of that April 18th night and wonder who that woman was..then I come to grips with the fact that it was me.  I remember standing in front of Ben at our hotel room door.. I remember this overwhelming fear, body shaking, crying, terror and being hysterical.   The next thing I remember is waking up and for a moment I thought I was in heaven and I felt as if I was looking at myself from another place.  It took a couple of minutes to understand that I was in the hospital.  I remember this pain all over my body and my head hurt so bad that I wanted to be outside of my body.  I had a police officer standing next to my bed asking if I remember what happened to me.  I did remember and I was devastated by the events.

As I reflect back I really did not want to deal with what happened to me. I felt this shame, embarrassment and felt that I had to hide it.  I pushed it out of my head and acted as if it never happened.  The only thing this did was take me longer to get over it.  I felt that I could not talk to my friends about it because for one, it's a scary situation and most of the domestic violence stories you hear or read about someone is killed or comes close to being killed.  You can tell that people don't really want to get involved..they will tell you to give them a call if you need anything or if you want to talk, but they are being polite and they really don't mean it.  I've experience so many different situations with my friends.  Some of them are no longer friends and some of them are now my life long friends.  It's something that just happened due to the situation and I completely understand.  During this time I felt so much anger towards him.  I would hear things he would say about me and I would be so angry. I thought what planet is he on? Who treats people like that? Then one day I told myself, Jacqueline remember he is no longer alive in your heart.  It does not matter what he says or does because he is now a convicted criminal.  I didn't realize it at the time, but I was struggling with still loving him.  I knew he hurt me and I knew I did not want him back, but I still had this love for him. But I realized it was love I had for him before this happened.  Today, I only feel the need to pray for him.

The running around to get the restraining order in place was unacceptable. Under the law my kids and I would not have been protected and that was the scariest part of our whole experience.  I felt like a failure as a mother because I brought this man into my home with my kid's and now I cannot protect them.  The fear of something happening to your children is hard to cope with.  I made around 80 phone calls, drove hours and made more phone call and still could not protect my kid's.  I felt as is my hands were tied by the system. I felt he was the one protected and we were fighting to save ourselves.  You really have no idea how the person is feeling when they are behind bars..are they plotting to come and beat you up because they got arrested? Are they planning on hurting your children? Will you survive this time? You have no idea what they are thinking.  He was a different person now..or was he? Based on all the information I learned about him he was the same person..someone I no longer had the desire to know.

My family tried to be supportive, but it was difficult for all of us.  At this time my mom was recovering from a heart attack.  She had been out of the hospital after a triple by-pass operation in November.  It was now April.  We did not want my parents to attend the Quince because of their health issues.  Of course we love our cousin's and this was my mom's niece.  I remember hearing that they tried to keep what happened to me a secret from my mom because she was under strict orders from the doctor to not travel far for 1. and 2 no stress because of her heart.  My sister had to take my mom to the hospital after she found out what happened to me because she was getting chest pains.  My sister said she saw my dad cry when he took one look at my bruised and swollen face.  They were scared because I was unconscious and did not know the extent of the injuries.  This affected my entire family and extended family not to mention the Holiday Inn in San Jose.  My sister had to speak to the hotel and inform them what happened and asked them to change the key just in case he was let out of jail she did not want him back in the room with me (good thinking sister!) My sister was informed that 7 families checked out of the hotel from the same area we were in because they heard the beating and screaming coming from the hallway and the families were frightened.

I remember not being able to think clearly.  So many thoughts going through my head and trying to work through the pain. Today will be the 3rd time I send all my restitution paperwork to the probation officer.  I just don't understand why this is taking so long and why the never receive what I have sent. Again, I feel as if we have to jump through hoops to make things happen.  I am no longer angry about this, but I do see that a lot of changes need to be made and I am working on being the person to make them.  I continue to pray to strength and courage to continue my journey.

I didn't think I would be able to handle all the emotions and heart ache again.  It seems so much easier now because of the support I have today.  I still don't like talking about it because I get chocked up...but writing it down is my release.  My hope is that someone will learn from my experience or be able to help someone in the time of need.  I have so much respect for domestic violence victims today!! I understand so much more and I will help make changes to our current laws.  We should not have to fight for protection! We should not have to live in fear! We need some changes and the sooner the better.  God Bless you and again, I will continue to pray for the strength and courage to continue my journey!