Another step the right direction!

Last night I was in bed resting trying to clear my head. My head started to flood with flashbacks of that horrible night.  I felt like I was hit by a tsunami and I could not stop the water.  I felt as if I was drowning in fear, anger, anxiety, nervousness and panic. I could not control the emotions and I realized that I was crying and I could not stop the thoughts.  I headed to my bathroom where I got sick and again had this feeling of being so alone and the need to look over my shoulder.  I felt terrified as I walked through my little 2 bedroom home checking every window and every door.  It felt like it took hours to check the windows and doors because my legs felt like cement and every step felt so difficult to take.  The good thing about last night was that my son was at his dad's house and my daughter was out with her boyfriend so they did not see me flipping out.  As I headed back to my bed I started to pray for strength.  I asked why do I allow myself to feel like that.  Why do I allow that night to make me feel so scared.  Why do I allow those emotions to take over me and make me sick?  Why do I allow myself to be afraid of him?  Have I been making the right decisions? Is my stress brought on because I'm not working? Where am I going to live? where am I going to get money for groceries? My bills are all past due and my notices are coming how am I going to handle this mess?  THEN, I said to myself STOP THIS BS RIGHT NOW! Jacqueline, you are the victor, you won this situation and no one can make you feel this way NO ONE.  You will figure all this out, you will handle this as you always have.  I kept saying this to myself and I started to feel much better.  I know I am the only one who can get myself through this and I just need to focus my attention in a position manner and put all my energy into moving forward.  It was so fabulous to stop the flood gates!! I realized that I have all the control and I am the one in control my my future.  I think the lack of money right now and not knowing when I will get a job and NO income coming in is the most scariest thing right now.  I need to move to San Diego and can't figure out how to do that.  My goal is to move by December and San Diego is the place to be!! Here is my dream..great job in San Diego, a nice place with the beach as my backyard!!!!!!! Not having to triple check my doors and windows.  Wake up in the morning and walk outside without having to look through every window first!  Money to pay my bills and buy groceries!!!!!!!! I will make this happen..hopefully sooner rather than later. I will never allow those horrible memories to paralyze me ever again.  I will start on my book and put all my energy into the good not the negative.  I want to help people and that is where my focus needs to be.  I even wrote to Oprah the other day...I feel like I know her..silly I know.  But I would love to share my story with her so i can touch anyone that has been in a Domestic violence attack.  We can be the victors, YES WE CAN!