Sunday, April 19, 2009 My day after (First day home)

In a few minutes my entire world changed as I knew it.  The strong confident woman I was disappeared. I had to be strong for my kid's, but find it difficult.  My son had to sleep with the lights on...it made me feel safe too. Going out at night by myself...not an option.  The fear and terror you feel is so difficult to manage.  It was hard speaking to my family because we were all feeling the same way.  It is hard to comfort one another when you are all in a state of shock.  I remember walking inside my townhouse for the first time without him and feeling like.....not sure how to describe the feelings..I guess every emotion you can imagine I was feeling.  My daughter was amazing during this entire time! She gave me so much strength and courage!  After hugging my daughter and crying she took me to my room and showed me all the clothes she packed.  She said she did not want me to see his things when I got home! That was nice!  In the mean time- I had just drove 2 hours and 15 minutes from San Jose, CA to our home in Rocklin, CA, my left arm was extremely swollen/bruised and in a sling. My face was swollen and huge, especially the left side of my face.  It was strange to see the left side of my face almost double the size.  I had a few cuts on my face, my left eye was almost swollen shut all the way.  My eye had this huge lump and looked very scary.  The bruising went to both eyes. I would look at myself still in disbelief...my entire body hurt so bad, but I felt that I could not complain because I had to be strong.  I sat on my bed and just cried.  It was Sunday, April 19, 2010 at 3:30pm.  I was a victim of domestic violence.  Am I strong enough to do this? What do I do from here? When he gets out will he attacks again? Will my kid's be safe? Can I protect them? So many things going through my head.  I cried almost the entire day..every part of my body hurt so bad.  I was unsure of my injuries because I was in shock and still had no idea how to protect myself and my kid's.  I tried to sleep when I got home because I was in the hospital all night in San Jose and released at 5:30 am. I had to check out of the hotel.  My family was waiting for me at the hotel..I could not believe this happened at my cousins quince!  How could he do this? He ruined my cousin's quince and my whole family and extended family was there!  Why did he do this? My body had so many welts from the punches and kicks to my body.  I had so many bald spots from him ripping out my hair.  Again, I asked myself...WHY? Why did he snap at that moment? I tell myself...that is it! It does not matter why!  You need to look at this as if he died yesterday PERIOD.  He is not coming back in your life!  He will never be a part of your life!  He will never ever have the opportunity to love this spectacular woman!  He will never have the opportunity to grow with this amazing woman ever again!  He will never have the opportunity to know what my love feels like- EVER! The weird thing about this...I was also suffering a broken heart along with my physical and emotional injuries.  It was a lot to handle.  One day everything was good and then my life changed.  God never gives us more that we can handle....I was beginning to wonder..I started to lose my faith because I was so distraught.  Now, it was time to fully examine all of my injuries.. It was hard building the courage to REALLY look in the mirror...I had an issue with my stomach because of some kicks.  My head had so many lumps/welts. I ran my hands over my head and could barely touch my scalp because it hurt so bad and the lumps were so big, and so many of them.  My neck was bruised and swollen.  I could not turn my neck..I heard from a witness that he had me in a head lock..he was punching the left side of my face until my body went limp. He continue and then proceeded to drag me by my hair, my arms and chest had so many bruises/welts..I finally got the courage to stand in front of a mirror to see the extent of my injuries..it's time to see it..I was black, blue and purple all over my body.  I had welts with bruises everywhere. Almost every part of my body had huge bruises...just sitting or trying to rest in bed hurt so bad.  I cannot put into words the pain I was feeling.  The worst part was getting dizzy.  I would be walking and then have to catch myself because I felt very dizzy.  When I would lie down in bed..I would lie on my left side, then roll over to my right side..the room would spin and I would feel like throwing up.  I could not stop the room from spinning so I would turn back to the other side...it seemed like an eternity before the spinning would stop.  The spinning felt like I was drunk and I had no control.  I would get sick every now and again because it would upset my stomach.  (I had no insurance so going back to the doctor was not an option) Every time I tried to sleep the pain would overwhelm me one way or another.   I saw my temporary restraining order...I got it out and started to read it. I thought ok, I have a few days here- I need to take the police officers advise and get a restraining order for Placer County. I blogged about the mess getting the order!  Sheesh! I also have to add a line about my handsome boy! He was also amazing during this time.  He said, "mom, don't worry we are going to be just fine! I'm going to take care of you!" I told my son, "we will take care of each other! We will get through this!" I think I was going through the motions, but not really believing it at this point.  I was so confused and I had no idea what I was suppose to be doing.  The part that needs to change is the fear of not knowing when he was getting out.  NO ONE would tell me that.  I spoke with the District Attorney and she could not tell me.  Every number I called they would refer me to another phone number.  ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE BEFORE HE IS RELEASED ? Why can't anyone answer the question?...I was told....Well, if he posts bail he can gets out..ok, so how much time will I have in the event he post bail...the response: I'm not sure it depends on how long it takes to process the paperwork. ........ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  The feeling of not know was the most stressful! We could not sleep because we were afraid he would walk through the door at any moment.  Living life in fear was unbearable.  In order for me to take a stand I had to be in a safe place.  I have no family around me and I was not about to burden friends with my issue.  To be honest friends really don't want to get involved in a domestic violence situation. They are scared too.  They are scared that they might get hurt and their husbands and/or boyfriends don't really want me around  because you just never know if the attacker will come by starting trouble... Your life really does change. You can't blame them for feeling that way..I would never want anyone to experience the nightmare or be a part of it.  I decided this was something I had to do by myself. I had to start my own journey...