A day of reflection 10/20/10

The past few days I felt a little stressed out, a little overwhelmed and cranky.  I have been going through my folder with all the paperwork, notes and letters from the District Attorney, Police and Probation Officer.  I didn't realize at the time, but I pushed most of this out of my head in order to try and "deal" with the situation.  I felt that I had no one to speak to about it.  I would talk to my oldest sister about it and she would cry.  She would get so upset and start to cry saying, "Jacq, the sound of your screaming gave me chills.  Seeing you with your face so swollen and bruised, you kept fainting and your eyes rolled back in your head, we were not sure how bad you were hurt.  You would not let anyone touch you or get near you." I could not hear it.  I didn't want to hear it.  I would think we were talking about someone else.  I just pushed it out of my head.  Who was my sister talking about?..I knew it was not me.  I would never let that happen to me.  I would never be with someone who would ever lay a hand on me.  I was so wrong and in denial about it.  I used that crazy thinking so I would not have to deal with it..sometimes it worked....other times not so much.

I am feeling the light shining through me and I love it! My spirit is energized again and I love, love, love it!! I have not felt like myself since this whole thing happened.  I felt as if I lost myself that day...that is until now!  I have been able to let a lot of things go and see the good that has come from me.  I keep learning so much about myself.  I have to remember that I am in control my reaction.  I control my thoughts and my attitude..I cannot allow anyone to make me feel inferior.  It's all me, me, me!

I stopped seeing all this as a negative..I was holding on to this as a disability.  I was overwhelmed with the emotions of that April 18th night and I'm so happy that I can now more forward!  I wish I knew who the witnesses were so I could thank them or send them a card. If you are reading this...I would like to say, "Thank you! Thank you for staying with me until my family came from the reception area! Thank you for being brave and giving your statement! Much love to you!" To My cousin's the Alcala's..I love you all!! Again, I'm sorry this happened at Nena's Quince. She looked like a princess!! Oh and my son in that Tuxedo!! WOW! We have some good looking kid's. LOL! Cousin's thank you for all the support and love!

I will continue my journey and post daily steps that I'm taking to wash away the fears.  Thank you reading and the support!