It's been weeks since I've updated my blog. It's not that I have not wanted to, but I've been so busy working and trying to research stories, news articles, and put money aside to start some type of organization to help people. I guess I did not realize how much time it would take to get things rolling. I feel so sad when I look at the big picture and think about all the people who were in my position and no one to help them. I continue to pray for them and ask God to keep them safe until I can help out.
Today I turn 44 years old and after a long day of work I'm relaxing with a glass of Merlot! Today has been a good day and a sad day all in one. People surprise me by how nasty they can be. I don't ever want to become numb to people that are nasty because it is just not right. I have to blog about this because I just wanted to cry as I was talking to my boyfriend on the way home from work (on a headset). I just left work feeling good, talking to my baby on the phone..my normal routine! Here is Sacramento and Loomis it's been rainy and cold for days now. Today the rain just came pouring down and made puddles every where...as I approached the freeway I could see people moving over to the left (right as you enter the freeway) to avoid a huge flood in the road. As I got closer I could see a man walking with some bags in his hands and I thought to myself..Oh, go around so you don't splash water on that poor man that has to walk in the cold rainy weather.. well, as I passed the puddle I could see the man right behind me drive through the flood and the water splashed on the man like a title wave. I could not believe my eyes...was I seeing what I thought I saw?? Could another human be so insensitive and ...and....OH MY GOSH I don't want to say the word! I passed the turn and I could no longer see. I told my boyfriend what happened and I just wanted to hit my breaks!!! What makes people be so nasty? Why would that man do something so cruel to another person?
I'll tell you what... if the driver had to walk in the cold rain I bet he would be very careful. I'm feeling so sad for that poor man because it was cold outside. I don't know- life is full of people who do things that are awful and terrible. I wish I had a magic wand to wave at nasty people to make them nice again. So anyway, that really bummed me out. I had to share that story because it was heavy on my heart.
So, it's my 44th Birthday and I am reflecting on all my lessons and blessings. I am so lucky to be able to celebrate my 44th Birthday! My Birthday wish is to help people one at a time! I have been doing little things but I need to do more. At the grocery story I buy one bag of groceries each time to donate to families in need. A few times when people in front of me were short paying for groceries I pay the extra. TRUST me, been there done that. I'm not out of the financial woods by any means, but I do know how it feels to struggle and not have groceries. It's the little things we do for each other that can make a big difference.
I know that 2011 will be a great year for me and I also know that I will be moving to San Diego! I really want to get out of this place I'm in. I didn't think the memories would get to me, but they do sometimes...it's not like I feel.. Oh I miss him..it's more like.. I wish I could forget him and times we had around the town.
A fresh start is what I/we need and I cannot wait for it to happen. All in good time...all in good time. My son..my poor son..he had been through hell because of the whole BS we have experienced. I had to send him to a place to help...don't want to get into this right now..but hopefully he will be home soon and we will be able to continue to work through the crazy stuff. So, I'm signing off for now because I am feeling tired. Until next time!
About Me
- Domestic Violence; My Journey to be the Victor
- San Diego, California, United States
- My story of how a beautiful relationship ended due to a Domestic Violence incident on April 18, 2009 in San Jose, CA at the Holiday Inn.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saying Good Bye to a bad frienship
I am not sure where to begin my story so I'll start it from the beginning. I had a very good friend that stepped to the plate for me when I was down and out. My friend saw me all swollen, bruised, scared and devastated after my horrible day. We became close friends and he helped me get through the tough emotional times. He told me he would be with me during that time no matter what. I could count on him and I really needed that..I needed to hear that. I found myself calling on him a few time to go to court with me because I had no one else to ask. Like I said, "no one wants to get involved." All of my family lives far away from and it's just my kid's and I here. I moved to this area when my ex-husband and I decided to give our marriage another try. We thought if we moved to an area with no family we could give it another shot and be OK. So here I am divorced from my ex-husband wondering why I'm still living in this area. Any way, my friends backed away from me at first because they were not sure if my ex-boyfriend would come back and hurt us all. So my friend told me not to worry. He would be go where ever I asked him to go.
I cannot tell you how nice it was to have a friend stand by my side and tell me everything was going to be OK. I thought I was going to go through that situation all by myself. My friend and I would go out to lunch and talk about our families, friends, work and my next step in the court process. I never thought my friend was doing this because he wanted anything out of it. I thought finally a male friend that I can trust. A male friend that I can talk to and just hang out with and not have my guard up. I remember a couple of times he lent me money when I really needed it. He was the type of person who was caring and always made me laugh when I was crying.
A couple of times he did so some things that were inappropriate and I forgave him. Some of my girlfriends did things way worse than he did so I guess I just kind of justified it that way. It's weird and hard to explain my friendship with him. I felt a sense of loyalty to him for standing by my side when no one else would. I over looked so many things because I felt that I owed him my friendship no matter what. He gave up his time for me and saw me break down time and time again. I remember all the emotions I was feeling at that time and he seemed to just make me laugh and let me know he would help protect me. Sometimes you just want to hear those words.
A few months ago he came my house and caused some drama. He wanted to be more than friends and thought because we were becoming close friends that I would eventually be with him. The drama was unnecessary and scared the heck out of me! He was not happy to hear that I had a boyfriend and I was very happy. He became very angry when I asked him to leave and caused drama outside of my home...banged on my garage door, calling me some horrible names and just being a real "Pill." I told him that I not longer wanted to be his friend. He seemed to be a little unstable and I have no desire to have people in my life that act that way.
I've been going to church and working on "forgiving." I also have this strange thing that I do..I tune things out and try to forget some memories. I learned to do this when I was married because my ex-husband was not a nice person. I was with him for 18 years and I guess that was my way of handling all the BS I experienced over the years. The reason why I mention this is because of the things my friend did i just put it away in my memory bank..filed...lost memory. On top of this I am trying to be a better person and I feel I am doing it. I pray all the time for patience, knowledge to lead and the ability to forgive. I can honestly say I have never in my life been given the right tools to handle everything that I've experienced to date..that is until now. I don't feel that I have had the right men in my life..with the exception of my ex-husband.. the early years were good and I have 2 great kid's!! I have learned to forgive but it is still very hard for me. I put God in my life and that was my answer. I always heard people say that and I have always believed, but never took the steps. I do now.
The last time I spoke with my friend after all the drama he created at my home I told him not to contact me again. I told him that I never wanted to see him again and if he contacted me that my boyfriend would be speaking to him. My boyfriend got tired of my friends BS and his attempts on trying for a relationship.
Well, tonight my friend came by with a bottle of wine, gift basket and a bouquet of flowers to say he was sorry. I had no idea he was coming because he decided to drop by on his way home from Reno. I was walking out the door to get some gas in my car as he was coming up my walk way. I have felt for some time now that I have to end our friendship because of all the crazy bull that he's been doing. I have been ending my friendship with people that I feel are always negative or dysfunctional so to speak. We spoke for 20 minutes outside and at first I felt this fear come over my body. The "oh shit" what do I do? I think I was flushed because I felt this surge of heat and I tried not to appear scared. I thanked him for being a friend and going with me to court and talking me through the terrible days when I felt so alone. I asked him why he was acting so crazy and being so overbearing, rude, disrespectful and just an ass. He started to get angry and threw all the help he gave me in my face. He said that I used him and I made him feel that we would have a future together, even though I never said the words..he said he saw it in my eyes?? I stopped him from talking. I told him everything I had to say and I ended with...I don't want your gifts. I don't want your friendship and I don't want you to contact me again. I cannot be friends with someone who hurts me and brings physical emotion around my kid's when he gets angry. I told him that I am so in love with my boyfriend and I have a future with him. I can no longer allow a dysfunctional friendship in my life and I refuse to have someone like that around me or my kid's, period. I asked him to leave.
I must say it was a bitter sweet good bye. I came inside my house and felt a little emotional. How could he throw all the past back in my face? Who does that? I started to play a computer game to keep my mind busy and away from thinking about the past. I truly thought he was my friend during that time.. I really thought he wanted to be my friend and I thought he cared about me. I never took his friendship as he wanted something more. Thinking back..hind site is always 20/20...I still don't see where I should have corrected his thinking about a relationship. I felt a loyalty and trust to him because he helped me out during a horrific time in my life. We had long conversations about family, work and all kinds of things. Friends don't try to ruin your relationship or make you feel bad so I had to let him go as a friend. I felt so empowered because I handled it.. I handled this by myself! At this point in my life I need to get away from toxic friends. I think most of all I feel hurt because he was not really being a friend to me..he was trying to be my boyfriend. In the end he turned out to be an ass with an arterial motive. I will pray for him and in time I will forgive him for all the harsh words. Saying Good Bye to a bad friendship is necessary sometime.
I cannot tell you how nice it was to have a friend stand by my side and tell me everything was going to be OK. I thought I was going to go through that situation all by myself. My friend and I would go out to lunch and talk about our families, friends, work and my next step in the court process. I never thought my friend was doing this because he wanted anything out of it. I thought finally a male friend that I can trust. A male friend that I can talk to and just hang out with and not have my guard up. I remember a couple of times he lent me money when I really needed it. He was the type of person who was caring and always made me laugh when I was crying.
A couple of times he did so some things that were inappropriate and I forgave him. Some of my girlfriends did things way worse than he did so I guess I just kind of justified it that way. It's weird and hard to explain my friendship with him. I felt a sense of loyalty to him for standing by my side when no one else would. I over looked so many things because I felt that I owed him my friendship no matter what. He gave up his time for me and saw me break down time and time again. I remember all the emotions I was feeling at that time and he seemed to just make me laugh and let me know he would help protect me. Sometimes you just want to hear those words.
A few months ago he came my house and caused some drama. He wanted to be more than friends and thought because we were becoming close friends that I would eventually be with him. The drama was unnecessary and scared the heck out of me! He was not happy to hear that I had a boyfriend and I was very happy. He became very angry when I asked him to leave and caused drama outside of my home...banged on my garage door, calling me some horrible names and just being a real "Pill." I told him that I not longer wanted to be his friend. He seemed to be a little unstable and I have no desire to have people in my life that act that way.
I've been going to church and working on "forgiving." I also have this strange thing that I do..I tune things out and try to forget some memories. I learned to do this when I was married because my ex-husband was not a nice person. I was with him for 18 years and I guess that was my way of handling all the BS I experienced over the years. The reason why I mention this is because of the things my friend did i just put it away in my memory bank..filed...lost memory. On top of this I am trying to be a better person and I feel I am doing it. I pray all the time for patience, knowledge to lead and the ability to forgive. I can honestly say I have never in my life been given the right tools to handle everything that I've experienced to date..that is until now. I don't feel that I have had the right men in my life..with the exception of my ex-husband.. the early years were good and I have 2 great kid's!! I have learned to forgive but it is still very hard for me. I put God in my life and that was my answer. I always heard people say that and I have always believed, but never took the steps. I do now.
The last time I spoke with my friend after all the drama he created at my home I told him not to contact me again. I told him that I never wanted to see him again and if he contacted me that my boyfriend would be speaking to him. My boyfriend got tired of my friends BS and his attempts on trying for a relationship.
Well, tonight my friend came by with a bottle of wine, gift basket and a bouquet of flowers to say he was sorry. I had no idea he was coming because he decided to drop by on his way home from Reno. I was walking out the door to get some gas in my car as he was coming up my walk way. I have felt for some time now that I have to end our friendship because of all the crazy bull that he's been doing. I have been ending my friendship with people that I feel are always negative or dysfunctional so to speak. We spoke for 20 minutes outside and at first I felt this fear come over my body. The "oh shit" what do I do? I think I was flushed because I felt this surge of heat and I tried not to appear scared. I thanked him for being a friend and going with me to court and talking me through the terrible days when I felt so alone. I asked him why he was acting so crazy and being so overbearing, rude, disrespectful and just an ass. He started to get angry and threw all the help he gave me in my face. He said that I used him and I made him feel that we would have a future together, even though I never said the words..he said he saw it in my eyes?? I stopped him from talking. I told him everything I had to say and I ended with...I don't want your gifts. I don't want your friendship and I don't want you to contact me again. I cannot be friends with someone who hurts me and brings physical emotion around my kid's when he gets angry. I told him that I am so in love with my boyfriend and I have a future with him. I can no longer allow a dysfunctional friendship in my life and I refuse to have someone like that around me or my kid's, period. I asked him to leave.
I must say it was a bitter sweet good bye. I came inside my house and felt a little emotional. How could he throw all the past back in my face? Who does that? I started to play a computer game to keep my mind busy and away from thinking about the past. I truly thought he was my friend during that time.. I really thought he wanted to be my friend and I thought he cared about me. I never took his friendship as he wanted something more. Thinking back..hind site is always 20/20...I still don't see where I should have corrected his thinking about a relationship. I felt a loyalty and trust to him because he helped me out during a horrific time in my life. We had long conversations about family, work and all kinds of things. Friends don't try to ruin your relationship or make you feel bad so I had to let him go as a friend. I felt so empowered because I handled it.. I handled this by myself! At this point in my life I need to get away from toxic friends. I think most of all I feel hurt because he was not really being a friend to me..he was trying to be my boyfriend. In the end he turned out to be an ass with an arterial motive. I will pray for him and in time I will forgive him for all the harsh words. Saying Good Bye to a bad friendship is necessary sometime.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Moving on with my journey
It's been a few days since I posted. I started working and decided that I need to make some money in order to start my project. I continue to research and find it upsetting that our system can be so insensitive. I still don't understand why I had to send the DA and the probation office my Hospital bill, Ambulance bill, time off work and things of this nature 3 times! I am still waiting to have my restitution hearing. It's nuts!!!! Just nut's!!!!!!!!!!!
I must say...I cannot wait to move to San Diego!! I pray this will happen soon!!
I must say...I cannot wait to move to San Diego!! I pray this will happen soon!!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Always work in progress........
The past couple of days have been CHALLENGING. Man, my emotions and feelings are little wacky. I finally hit that emotional brick wall..SLAM!! I didn't realize that I put blinders on and took off going 100 miles per hour. I never truly dealt with the situation of my domestic violence so I'm bringing out ill feelings at the most awful times. That was my conclusion... I noticed that I was focusing on the challenges instead of the blessings. Was I just talking the talk and not walking the walk? I need to let it ALL go. Let it go!
I am filled with emotions right now because everything I am doing to be a better me is working. I am recognizing the behavior & I'm trying to change. Half the battle is recognizing the challenge. I volunteered at Church on Thursday and Saturday of this week. I plan on doing some more volunteer work too. I'm learning from my mistakes. I learned to stop and see the positive from every negative. I learned that I need to work on leaving the past in the past. Most important I learned how to listen.
The research for the organization is coming along. I will be a solution or option for victims of DV. I am trying to get some information together for my book. I would like to offer this..my personal email is jacquelineralvarez@yahoo.com if you have a story for thoughts you would like to share sent them to my email. Let me know in your email if I can include it in my book and also paste them here on my blog. I don't have to list you name, etc. just let me know in your email. I am looking forward to being part of the solution!!
I made a promise to myself the other day. I said, "I promise that I will always be true to me. I am committed to my journey and I will make this happen." We all have a higher power we turn to when we need it. I decided I need it all the time and that as made a huge difference. At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm on my journey to get it. I strongly feel 2011 will be my year for success. The skies the limit and I'm off! It also helps to have such an amazing friend/boyfriend who makes me talk.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Shameful...just shameful.
My gosh- I guess my last relationship really screwed me up. It made me insensitive to another human being. How could I have had no regard for another human life. How could I not ask how the person was doing? I feel I need to apologize to them and myself. I had a moment this afternoon as I was sitting in my doctors office waiting for some test results. I felt this surge of horror and fear as I connected with my harsh words spoken the night before. I am not that person. I am not a person who does not have compassion for others. I have to apologize.
I am really sorry for creating the situation which I know I should have handled better. I admit that I was in the wrong and can only say how sorry I am. I can promise you that this will never happen again and hope that you will give me the opportunity to prove this to you.
With all my heart,
Please accept my most sincere apology for my behaviour yesterday. I have thought long and hard about what happened and I realise how very upset you must have been.
I am really sorry for creating the situation which I know I should have handled better. I admit that I was in the wrong and can only say how sorry I am. I can promise you that this will never happen again and hope that you will give me the opportunity to prove this to you.
I understand that it might be difficult for you to accept my apology but hope that this letter will help. I hope you can forgive me.
Jacqueline
Lord, Please give me strength, courage and wisdom to continue my journey. I'm starting to blow it and I'm keeping the faith. Lord, I pray for compassion and I never forget this harsh lesson. Amen!
Today is another day in my Journey
I had a long night last night. I could hear the tick, tick, tick of the clock as the numbers changed. I got up 5 times last night and went to work. As the moments unfolded last night after my last entry I had to sit back and pray. I had to sit back and think about the conversations and my actions. Was I being insensitive? Yes, perhaps I was. Was I acting like a "victim?" I would say, "NOT." A victim? I would not associate one with the other here..I'm still trying to figure how that line pertains to this situation.
The reason why I'm adding this to my blog is because it's part of my journey. My journey into being a better me and enjoying life to the fullest. I am still feeling terrible about last nights argument and harsh words, but I cannot change it. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and be a better me. Up to this point I thought I was doing well...I feel that everything I do on a daily basis exuded progress and change.
I wake up this morning and read a very heart felt email response...For some reason I can't get this line out of my head.."I know you have worked hard to be a better you, but this has nothing to do with what you've done about you." I felt as if I hit a brick wall. Is this possible? How can this be? I am really trying to analyze the information because I think it's pretty important to my success in being a better me.
I am trying to so hard to check myself when I start thinking in a negative manner. I have noticed that most people go down negativity road. I was one of them. I make a conscious effort to find the positive in every situation. I really do. When I have trouble seeing the positive I have to take a moment and look at it again.
I feel my journey has opened me up for many different experiences...(however, I did not give out Halloween candy because I felt anxiety about opening the door to people in costumes.) Still working on this one.
I guess most of all... today, I'm sad that my boyfriend is not talking to me. I do think my boyfriend is an amazing person and I love him with all my heart. He has given me some of the tools I need for my journey and I'm very thankful.
I feel that my journey is teaching me great qualities about myself and I love it. I pray that God will continue to bless me with the wisdom & courage to stay strong and continue on my journey.
The reason why I'm adding this to my blog is because it's part of my journey. My journey into being a better me and enjoying life to the fullest. I am still feeling terrible about last nights argument and harsh words, but I cannot change it. I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and be a better me. Up to this point I thought I was doing well...I feel that everything I do on a daily basis exuded progress and change.
I wake up this morning and read a very heart felt email response...For some reason I can't get this line out of my head.."I know you have worked hard to be a better you, but this has nothing to do with what you've done about you." I felt as if I hit a brick wall. Is this possible? How can this be? I am really trying to analyze the information because I think it's pretty important to my success in being a better me.
I am trying to so hard to check myself when I start thinking in a negative manner. I have noticed that most people go down negativity road. I was one of them. I make a conscious effort to find the positive in every situation. I really do. When I have trouble seeing the positive I have to take a moment and look at it again.
I feel my journey has opened me up for many different experiences...(however, I did not give out Halloween candy because I felt anxiety about opening the door to people in costumes.) Still working on this one.
I guess most of all... today, I'm sad that my boyfriend is not talking to me. I do think my boyfriend is an amazing person and I love him with all my heart. He has given me some of the tools I need for my journey and I'm very thankful.
I feel that my journey is teaching me great qualities about myself and I love it. I pray that God will continue to bless me with the wisdom & courage to stay strong and continue on my journey.
Monday, November 1, 2010
WHOOOWEEE! Feeling good!
Wow, I actually feel better now. I cannot wait to move to San Diego in December!! December is my goal month..end of year..start of 2011! Now, all I need is the money..LOL! It's always about the money. Good things happen to good people and things are happening!
Oh man, I go to Google Earth and look at properties by the Ocean in San Diego!! I pray that when I'm ready a place will open up for me! It's only 2 months from now and how perfect of a life I will have. Truly, you cannot be in a bad mood when you live by the Ocean. The Ocean has always been the "piece of mind" place my kid's and I use to go to...actually we went all the time. It's so relaxing, beautiful and incredible! I cannot think of a better place to live!
I'm looking forward to tomorrow because it is another day closer to my dream coming true!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Another glorious day in the neighborhood!
A quote for the day...Nourish the mind like you would your body. The mind cannot survive on junk food.
I'm taking a break from work right now and decided to update my blog. I'm feeling very good today especially because I now how my sights dialed in on what I have to do! I know the direction I need to go regarding helping victims of domestic violence and I'm feeling great!
I am planning on putting together a public service announcement and place it on You tube for starters. I am no longer ashamed or feeling humiliated by the attack April of 2009. I know it was not my fault and had nothing to do with me. I know that I had to fight for survival and the safety for myself and my kid's. We are in a better place now, but it took so long to arrive! I cannot wait to help people get to the same place.
I will not lie...it's a long road and every day is work in progress. I will tell yo this..if you continue on a path of positive thinking and actions you will be the victor. Your spirit will be renewed and your mind, body and soul will be rejuvenated!!
I'm in the process of doing more research so my blogs have slowed down a little bit. I'm trying to add one each day..and by the way. The weather is so beautiful today..sunny and warm!! I love, love, love it!!
I'm taking a break from work right now and decided to update my blog. I'm feeling very good today especially because I now how my sights dialed in on what I have to do! I know the direction I need to go regarding helping victims of domestic violence and I'm feeling great!
I am planning on putting together a public service announcement and place it on You tube for starters. I am no longer ashamed or feeling humiliated by the attack April of 2009. I know it was not my fault and had nothing to do with me. I know that I had to fight for survival and the safety for myself and my kid's. We are in a better place now, but it took so long to arrive! I cannot wait to help people get to the same place.
I will not lie...it's a long road and every day is work in progress. I will tell yo this..if you continue on a path of positive thinking and actions you will be the victor. Your spirit will be renewed and your mind, body and soul will be rejuvenated!!
I'm in the process of doing more research so my blogs have slowed down a little bit. I'm trying to add one each day..and by the way. The weather is so beautiful today..sunny and warm!! I love, love, love it!!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thinking about how to help...
I have been on the internet reading so many website's relating to Domestic Violence stories. I now have the direction I need to go!! It came to me as I was going through a story about a young woman killed by the hands of her husband. It seemed to be the same story I heard over and over again. I read about so many organizations that have victim's create t-shirts and they have empowerment bracelets and such. I decided to go to the real issue..the real issue I experienced. The miscommunication and the fear of not having money to get to a safe place to become the victor.
These past few weeks have been amazing and eye opening! I now understand that with every negative action we should be able to find a positive action. Our view regarding domestic violence feels shameful, embarrassing and terrifying. I decided that my journey is taking me to empower people with the courage to take a step forward. Courage is what helped me through my journey and continues to help me succeed!
I have no reason to feel embarrassed by what happened to me. I was so ashamed because of comments I would hear people say about it. I started feeling closed off to my friends and family because of the shame I was feeling. I am so happy today because I know those feelings are washed away. I washed those feelings away and in their place I now have Love, Ambition, Courage and empowerment! I would like to share my experience and journey with everyone! I'm in a great place today and we can all use some courage!
When I think of courage I think of a Lion! I also think of the Lioness! I am a lion and a lioness when I need to be! I've come so far and I thank God for the strength and courage to continue on my journey.
These past few weeks have been amazing and eye opening! I now understand that with every negative action we should be able to find a positive action. Our view regarding domestic violence feels shameful, embarrassing and terrifying. I decided that my journey is taking me to empower people with the courage to take a step forward. Courage is what helped me through my journey and continues to help me succeed!
I have no reason to feel embarrassed by what happened to me. I was so ashamed because of comments I would hear people say about it. I started feeling closed off to my friends and family because of the shame I was feeling. I am so happy today because I know those feelings are washed away. I washed those feelings away and in their place I now have Love, Ambition, Courage and empowerment! I would like to share my experience and journey with everyone! I'm in a great place today and we can all use some courage!
When I think of courage I think of a Lion! I also think of the Lioness! I am a lion and a lioness when I need to be! I've come so far and I thank God for the strength and courage to continue on my journey.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
I forgive him- Thank you to Tyler Perry, Oprah, Sheila E. & Santana!!!!!!
I forgive Ben for the night of April 18, 2009. I said that I forgave him before, but I really didn't mean it. I tried to go through the motions, but in my heart I disliked him. I finally let it all go! I can finally say, "I FORGIVE YOU BEN." WOW, that was huge!
My journey has been a loooooooong road with a lot of downs and a few ups. My boyfriend told me last week that I have to find it in my heart to forgive him...REALLY forgive him or else I will carry this in my heart. He was right. I said those words before and they were just words, but not words from the heart.
This past week I prayed a lot. I've been out of work for almost 1 month now and I've had so much time to think about what I need to do. I was folding some laundry and turned on the TV. The Oprah show was starting and the guest was Tyler Perry..I just love him! I was hearing his story of abuse and I felt his pain when he was talking. Towards the end of the show Tyler told Oprah that he forgave his father. He supports his father financially, but he does not want his father in his life. It was that moment that I understood that I can forgive. I can forgive and not have that person in my life. Oprah made the same type of comment about being abused and also said she forgave the person. It was like a burst of energy was inside of me that told me..you need to forgive..it's time. After the Oprah show I changed my clothes and got on the treadmill. I chose some random songs on my IPOD. As I was warming up one to one of my FAVORITE artist..SHEILA E!! I think she is amazing!! She has this jazz tune called HEAVEN. As I was walking to the music my heart was filled with so many emotions. I think I heard that jam 4 times..then EUPORA from Carlos Santana came on. Heaven and Europa are two of my favorites!!! I thought about Sheila E. and what an amazing women she is. She comes from a very talented family!! Her dad and brother are just as amazing as she is! Oprah, Tyler, Santana and Sheila E. thank you for helping me see that I can forgive. I thought it was a sign that those songs played when they did..I did not choose them they just came on randomly. You just never know what or who will touch your life. I hope one day I will meet them and tell them thank you. Thank you for sharing your words, music and life because it made a difference in mine!!! I admire all of them so much and I pray that one day I will meet them..maybe when I hold a fundraiser for women and men who were victims of domestic violence!! You just never know!!
I am feeling so great today!!! I will be starting work on Wednesday and I'm hoping to move to San Diego in December (fingers crossed!!!) I am finally happy that I can release all that negative energy, but it is work in progress. I find myself picking up my gratitude rock all the time and saying out loud what I'm grateful for! My daughter made me laugh the other night because she came into my room picked up my gratitude rock, held it towards heaven and said, "Mom I'm grateful for having a roof over our head! And I'm grateful that you don't work for that terrible company!" We both laughed and then I said, "yes baby girl, me too!"
I feel that as a mother, sister, daughter and friend that I had to share my story. I feel that I have to pray for the strength and courage to find a way to help people. Too many people are hurt by domestic violence and it is not just the person who was abused. It's the children, parents, family and friends who love that person. It really does touch a lot of people and I do not ever want my daughter or son to experience this first hand. It was bad enough they had to witness this at all. So my next posts hopefully will be how my sister's, brother and parents felt about this. Much love God Bless you!
My journey has been a loooooooong road with a lot of downs and a few ups. My boyfriend told me last week that I have to find it in my heart to forgive him...REALLY forgive him or else I will carry this in my heart. He was right. I said those words before and they were just words, but not words from the heart.
This past week I prayed a lot. I've been out of work for almost 1 month now and I've had so much time to think about what I need to do. I was folding some laundry and turned on the TV. The Oprah show was starting and the guest was Tyler Perry..I just love him! I was hearing his story of abuse and I felt his pain when he was talking. Towards the end of the show Tyler told Oprah that he forgave his father. He supports his father financially, but he does not want his father in his life. It was that moment that I understood that I can forgive. I can forgive and not have that person in my life. Oprah made the same type of comment about being abused and also said she forgave the person. It was like a burst of energy was inside of me that told me..you need to forgive..it's time. After the Oprah show I changed my clothes and got on the treadmill. I chose some random songs on my IPOD. As I was warming up one to one of my FAVORITE artist..SHEILA E!! I think she is amazing!! She has this jazz tune called HEAVEN. As I was walking to the music my heart was filled with so many emotions. I think I heard that jam 4 times..then EUPORA from Carlos Santana came on. Heaven and Europa are two of my favorites!!! I thought about Sheila E. and what an amazing women she is. She comes from a very talented family!! Her dad and brother are just as amazing as she is! Oprah, Tyler, Santana and Sheila E. thank you for helping me see that I can forgive. I thought it was a sign that those songs played when they did..I did not choose them they just came on randomly. You just never know what or who will touch your life. I hope one day I will meet them and tell them thank you. Thank you for sharing your words, music and life because it made a difference in mine!!! I admire all of them so much and I pray that one day I will meet them..maybe when I hold a fundraiser for women and men who were victims of domestic violence!! You just never know!!
I am feeling so great today!!! I will be starting work on Wednesday and I'm hoping to move to San Diego in December (fingers crossed!!!) I am finally happy that I can release all that negative energy, but it is work in progress. I find myself picking up my gratitude rock all the time and saying out loud what I'm grateful for! My daughter made me laugh the other night because she came into my room picked up my gratitude rock, held it towards heaven and said, "Mom I'm grateful for having a roof over our head! And I'm grateful that you don't work for that terrible company!" We both laughed and then I said, "yes baby girl, me too!"
I feel that as a mother, sister, daughter and friend that I had to share my story. I feel that I have to pray for the strength and courage to find a way to help people. Too many people are hurt by domestic violence and it is not just the person who was abused. It's the children, parents, family and friends who love that person. It really does touch a lot of people and I do not ever want my daughter or son to experience this first hand. It was bad enough they had to witness this at all. So my next posts hopefully will be how my sister's, brother and parents felt about this. Much love God Bless you!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Restraining Order fiasco! Why did I have to fight for PROTECTION?? 4/18/09
I'm going to try and detail my experience obtaining the restraining order. First, I really did not understand how the court system worked. I never received a speeding ticket or anything like that so the court system was foreign to me. I never thought I would EVER experience the horrifying act of domestic violence, but I did and learned a lot about changes that need to take place.
First of all- When I was in the emergency room the police office gave me a copy of an "Application for Emergency Protective Order (CLETS)" The application was an order of protection for myself and my 2 kid's. It listed a brief description of my injuries (still hard to read it). The Emergency Protective order stated the restrained person cannot contact us and must stay 300 yards from each of us and move out immediately. The protective order expired on 4/24/09 at 5:00 pm.
Sunday the 19th we checked out of the hotel and drove home. The fear and devastation you feel is indescribable, but to have to go on...especially if you have children you need to protect.
Monday the 20th, I could barely move because of my injuries. My body was so sore and I felt this unbelievable pain all over my body. I could not sit, stand or sleep due to the excruciating pain I was feeling all over my body. My head injury was so severe that I could not walk without getting dizzy. I would get sick from the pain, but had to continue on my journey of protection. I made some phone calls and asked where to go to obtain a restraining order. ( I blogged about this in detail somewhere below) After all my running around I was finally able to find the right place for the restraining order. It took me approximately 5 hours of driving back and forth to finally find the right place.
As I was sitting at the Superior Court of California County of Placer people were just staring at me..I could see them just watching me. My face was black and blue and so swollen. My arm was wrapped and in a sling and I was a little loopy. I waited my turn and went to the window to ask about a restraining order. The woman who helped me "gasped" when she looked at up at me. I took a deep breath and started to tell her what I was trying to do and I started to cry. I could not believe I was at the court house getting a restraining order. The paperwork took me 2 hours to fill out due to my arm injury. When I returned to the window the woman looked over my paperwork and told me I missed a few things..I was so upset, in pain, heart broken and devastated by the events of the day I just stood and cried. The woman took my paperwork and asked me the questions and filled it out for me. To be honest, that woman made me feel good because she had compassion for me and took 5 minutes out of her day to help me..someone she did not even know..and I really need that!! Thank you!!!
I submitted the paperwork and dated it 4/20/09. I was told it would take 24 hours so I would need to call the phone number and pick it up when it was ready. 4/21/09 I call the phone number, paperwork is ready so I head over to the Superior Court of California County of Placer to find my restraining order. I found it along with 3 copies. The order was signed and stamped 4/21/09. I asked the woman at the desk...OK so what now. I have no idea what to do from here. She told me I have to go to court see the date on the paperwork. Show up and speak to the judge and the order will be in place. After it's recorded you have it served and because he is in custody you can ask for it to be faxed (WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I was not allowed to fax it!)
My court date was 5/12/09- My emergency protective order expired on 4/24/09...so what happens in between 4/24/09 and 5/12/09??? I don't understand..can he come to my house? Response- if he does you can always call 911.
I attend the hearing on 5/12/09 at the court house. The judge calls my name and I go up to the table. He asks me what happened and where the perpetrator is..I informed him that he plead guilty and he was incarcerated at the Elmwood Correctional Facility in Milpitas. He asked a few more questions and granted me the restraining order that expires midnight on 5/12/14.
The fiasco comes into play trying to serve my ex-boyfriend when he was incarcerated. I was told by the Superior Court of Placer County that I would have it faxed to Elmwood and they would serve him. I spoke to 15 different people and 24 different phone numbers and still got nowhere!! I could not understand why it was so difficult to have someone served when they are incarcerated. I ended up driving to Milpitas and asking a police office if they could please serve the order. (this fiasco is also listed in a blog below). The running around, all the wrong phone number, rude people who could careless about your problem, police officers laughing because of the run around, and the list goes on. I was not asking for anything more than protecting my children and myself. I had no idea when he would get out and if he would harm us when he get out.
The restraining order was one of the most disappointing parts of the process along with being lied to by the District Attorney. I felt betrayed by the same system that was suppose to protect me. I was betrayed by the system that gave me wrong phone numbers, by never called me back and by leaving messages for people who were assigned to my case, but away from the office (and no one checked their voice mail or covered for them). I was a victim of domestic violence and a victim of a messed up judicial system that was suppose to protect me/us..THE INNOCENT PARTY. Where was my/our justice? Where was the truth?
In the mean time NO ONE told me that a restraining order was going to be issued at the time he went to court for his arraignment. I received a letter in the mail from the County of Santa Clara Office of the District Attorney's office dated April 29, 2009 it was addressed to me and listed a docket #. It said the following; Attached please find your copy of a No Contact Protective Order that was issued by the Court on your behalf. If you would like to modify the order, you must contact the Superior Court Clerk's office at (408) 808-6600 at the Hall of Justice., etc. The order attached listed a hearing date of 4/22/09 at 3:02
pm and order expires on 4/22/10. The post mark on the envelope was 4/30/09 and I did not receive it until the second week of May because I had moved. Prior to moving I informed the District Attorney of my new address which was way before April 29,2009 . I wanted to make sure I received all correspondence relating to my case....Did they send it to my new address? Of course not! Which is why I did not receive it until the second week in May.
This was the most frightening time for my kid's and I. I was extremely nervous wondering what was going to happen if he got out. As far as I knew my Emergency Protective Order expired on 4/24/09 and we were no longer protected. The miscommunication and erroneous information we received was heart breaking and disappointing. During this time I was in constant communication with the DA and I spoke to several police officer's, information desk at the Superior Court house of Placer County and the Superior Court house of Santa Clara County..no one ever gave me accurate information.
I am a professional business woman and I think of myself as being proactive and intelligent. When you experience a situation such as domestic violence your spirit changes. Your life as you know from that point changes. You feel scared and not sure who to trust. You lose friends because they are scared too or they are mutual friends with the attacker so they kind of back off. I felt my questions were self explanatory in nature. When I made phone calls I felt as if I was interrupting their day which is most likely why they gave me a phone number and transferred me around. I do remember one guy who made me feel like he actually gave a hoot! His name was Preet, thank you Preet for making me feel like you cared by taking the time to answer all my questions. What Preet did not know he looked up and told me how the process worked. It took this person to help me with the next step and I really appreciated his help!
What I learned from my experience is our system is flawed (I know,what a shocker!) I now understand why people end up going back. I now understand the fear that makes people try and make peace and continue living with the violent person. YOU are terrified and not protected so you take what ever means possible to protect yourself. If you don't have family around or money in the bank you're pretty much stuck. I've said this several time...I NEVER could understand the stories I heard on the news or radio about domestic violence and when they say the man or woman went back. I would get upset and wonder WHY would someone do that? Why would you go back? Well, based on what we experienced I can see that you are left unprotected and you have to make a quick decision. I was also told several times.."You are so lucky you don't have children together because this would be difficult." WOW, I could not imaging having kid's together and being put through MORE than we already had been put through...is that fair to the victim? I ran into so many road blocks trying to get him served and trying to find out when he would possible get released. HE was so protected and I could not understand why. Why was the system that was suppose to protect us continue to make us struggle and protect him?
The biggest challenge was money. It all boils down to having the money to get to a safe protected place. My entire life and the life of my children had to change in order to be safe. I believe people need an opportunity to move and protect themselves. The challenge is you have to stick to your guns..so to speak. You have to stay on the path of becoming the victor and never allow the attacker in your life again. I always tell myself this..God did not put me on this earth to be hit by another person. I thank God that I'm alive today and have a chance to help people. I am a strong intelligent woman and I will not allow that person in my life EVER AGAIN. I will be the victor of this situation and not the victim! I am a strong beautiful person that no longer wishes to know a person like him. We are better off without him and good riddens to bad rubbish! I am so happy that we did not have children together..I really am! I could not imagine how the system would have played that one out!
Our system needs to change-Our system is not set up to protect us. I had one police officer tell me that if he came around someone has to see him or else you have nothing. I asked, " what if he comes into my house and hurts my kid's or myself?" He responded, "You have a restraining order just call us." I lost faith in the system that is set up to protect the criminal. I lost faith in the people that were put in place to help us. We were just another family that did not matter in the everyday scheme of things. It did not matter how many phone calls we made, or how many places we drove to, or how many Internet searches performed to understand what was happening..we were lied to plan and simple.
I had to pay back the $2500.00 I borrowed to move. I had to pay the $500.00 in utility bills that he didn't pay. And to top it all off he was using my credit cards without my knowledge. I learned so many lessons and I am very thankful today! All I know is we need some serious changes made to our system and the sooner the better!
First of all- When I was in the emergency room the police office gave me a copy of an "Application for Emergency Protective Order (CLETS)" The application was an order of protection for myself and my 2 kid's. It listed a brief description of my injuries (still hard to read it). The Emergency Protective order stated the restrained person cannot contact us and must stay 300 yards from each of us and move out immediately. The protective order expired on 4/24/09 at 5:00 pm.
Sunday the 19th we checked out of the hotel and drove home. The fear and devastation you feel is indescribable, but to have to go on...especially if you have children you need to protect.
Monday the 20th, I could barely move because of my injuries. My body was so sore and I felt this unbelievable pain all over my body. I could not sit, stand or sleep due to the excruciating pain I was feeling all over my body. My head injury was so severe that I could not walk without getting dizzy. I would get sick from the pain, but had to continue on my journey of protection. I made some phone calls and asked where to go to obtain a restraining order. ( I blogged about this in detail somewhere below) After all my running around I was finally able to find the right place for the restraining order. It took me approximately 5 hours of driving back and forth to finally find the right place.
As I was sitting at the Superior Court of California County of Placer people were just staring at me..I could see them just watching me. My face was black and blue and so swollen. My arm was wrapped and in a sling and I was a little loopy. I waited my turn and went to the window to ask about a restraining order. The woman who helped me "gasped" when she looked at up at me. I took a deep breath and started to tell her what I was trying to do and I started to cry. I could not believe I was at the court house getting a restraining order. The paperwork took me 2 hours to fill out due to my arm injury. When I returned to the window the woman looked over my paperwork and told me I missed a few things..I was so upset, in pain, heart broken and devastated by the events of the day I just stood and cried. The woman took my paperwork and asked me the questions and filled it out for me. To be honest, that woman made me feel good because she had compassion for me and took 5 minutes out of her day to help me..someone she did not even know..and I really need that!! Thank you!!!
I submitted the paperwork and dated it 4/20/09. I was told it would take 24 hours so I would need to call the phone number and pick it up when it was ready. 4/21/09 I call the phone number, paperwork is ready so I head over to the Superior Court of California County of Placer to find my restraining order. I found it along with 3 copies. The order was signed and stamped 4/21/09. I asked the woman at the desk...OK so what now. I have no idea what to do from here. She told me I have to go to court see the date on the paperwork. Show up and speak to the judge and the order will be in place. After it's recorded you have it served and because he is in custody you can ask for it to be faxed (WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! I was not allowed to fax it!)
My court date was 5/12/09- My emergency protective order expired on 4/24/09...so what happens in between 4/24/09 and 5/12/09??? I don't understand..can he come to my house? Response- if he does you can always call 911.
I attend the hearing on 5/12/09 at the court house. The judge calls my name and I go up to the table. He asks me what happened and where the perpetrator is..I informed him that he plead guilty and he was incarcerated at the Elmwood Correctional Facility in Milpitas. He asked a few more questions and granted me the restraining order that expires midnight on 5/12/14.
The fiasco comes into play trying to serve my ex-boyfriend when he was incarcerated. I was told by the Superior Court of Placer County that I would have it faxed to Elmwood and they would serve him. I spoke to 15 different people and 24 different phone numbers and still got nowhere!! I could not understand why it was so difficult to have someone served when they are incarcerated. I ended up driving to Milpitas and asking a police office if they could please serve the order. (this fiasco is also listed in a blog below). The running around, all the wrong phone number, rude people who could careless about your problem, police officers laughing because of the run around, and the list goes on. I was not asking for anything more than protecting my children and myself. I had no idea when he would get out and if he would harm us when he get out.
The restraining order was one of the most disappointing parts of the process along with being lied to by the District Attorney. I felt betrayed by the same system that was suppose to protect me. I was betrayed by the system that gave me wrong phone numbers, by never called me back and by leaving messages for people who were assigned to my case, but away from the office (and no one checked their voice mail or covered for them). I was a victim of domestic violence and a victim of a messed up judicial system that was suppose to protect me/us..THE INNOCENT PARTY. Where was my/our justice? Where was the truth?
In the mean time NO ONE told me that a restraining order was going to be issued at the time he went to court for his arraignment. I received a letter in the mail from the County of Santa Clara Office of the District Attorney's office dated April 29, 2009 it was addressed to me and listed a docket #. It said the following; Attached please find your copy of a No Contact Protective Order that was issued by the Court on your behalf. If you would like to modify the order, you must contact the Superior Court Clerk's office at (408) 808-6600 at the Hall of Justice., etc. The order attached listed a hearing date of 4/22/09 at 3:02
pm and order expires on 4/22/10. The post mark on the envelope was 4/30/09 and I did not receive it until the second week of May because I had moved. Prior to moving I informed the District Attorney of my new address which was way before April 29,2009 . I wanted to make sure I received all correspondence relating to my case....Did they send it to my new address? Of course not! Which is why I did not receive it until the second week in May.
This was the most frightening time for my kid's and I. I was extremely nervous wondering what was going to happen if he got out. As far as I knew my Emergency Protective Order expired on 4/24/09 and we were no longer protected. The miscommunication and erroneous information we received was heart breaking and disappointing. During this time I was in constant communication with the DA and I spoke to several police officer's, information desk at the Superior Court house of Placer County and the Superior Court house of Santa Clara County..no one ever gave me accurate information.
I am a professional business woman and I think of myself as being proactive and intelligent. When you experience a situation such as domestic violence your spirit changes. Your life as you know from that point changes. You feel scared and not sure who to trust. You lose friends because they are scared too or they are mutual friends with the attacker so they kind of back off. I felt my questions were self explanatory in nature. When I made phone calls I felt as if I was interrupting their day which is most likely why they gave me a phone number and transferred me around. I do remember one guy who made me feel like he actually gave a hoot! His name was Preet, thank you Preet for making me feel like you cared by taking the time to answer all my questions. What Preet did not know he looked up and told me how the process worked. It took this person to help me with the next step and I really appreciated his help!
What I learned from my experience is our system is flawed (I know,what a shocker!) I now understand why people end up going back. I now understand the fear that makes people try and make peace and continue living with the violent person. YOU are terrified and not protected so you take what ever means possible to protect yourself. If you don't have family around or money in the bank you're pretty much stuck. I've said this several time...I NEVER could understand the stories I heard on the news or radio about domestic violence and when they say the man or woman went back. I would get upset and wonder WHY would someone do that? Why would you go back? Well, based on what we experienced I can see that you are left unprotected and you have to make a quick decision. I was also told several times.."You are so lucky you don't have children together because this would be difficult." WOW, I could not imaging having kid's together and being put through MORE than we already had been put through...is that fair to the victim? I ran into so many road blocks trying to get him served and trying to find out when he would possible get released. HE was so protected and I could not understand why. Why was the system that was suppose to protect us continue to make us struggle and protect him?
The biggest challenge was money. It all boils down to having the money to get to a safe protected place. My entire life and the life of my children had to change in order to be safe. I believe people need an opportunity to move and protect themselves. The challenge is you have to stick to your guns..so to speak. You have to stay on the path of becoming the victor and never allow the attacker in your life again. I always tell myself this..God did not put me on this earth to be hit by another person. I thank God that I'm alive today and have a chance to help people. I am a strong intelligent woman and I will not allow that person in my life EVER AGAIN. I will be the victor of this situation and not the victim! I am a strong beautiful person that no longer wishes to know a person like him. We are better off without him and good riddens to bad rubbish! I am so happy that we did not have children together..I really am! I could not imagine how the system would have played that one out!
Our system needs to change-Our system is not set up to protect us. I had one police officer tell me that if he came around someone has to see him or else you have nothing. I asked, " what if he comes into my house and hurts my kid's or myself?" He responded, "You have a restraining order just call us." I lost faith in the system that is set up to protect the criminal. I lost faith in the people that were put in place to help us. We were just another family that did not matter in the everyday scheme of things. It did not matter how many phone calls we made, or how many places we drove to, or how many Internet searches performed to understand what was happening..we were lied to plan and simple.
I had to pay back the $2500.00 I borrowed to move. I had to pay the $500.00 in utility bills that he didn't pay. And to top it all off he was using my credit cards without my knowledge. I learned so many lessons and I am very thankful today! All I know is we need some serious changes made to our system and the sooner the better!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Through the eyes of the victim
I remember moments of that April 18th night and wonder who that woman was..then I come to grips with the fact that it was me. I remember standing in front of Ben at our hotel room door.. I remember this overwhelming fear, body shaking, crying, terror and being hysterical. The next thing I remember is waking up and for a moment I thought I was in heaven and I felt as if I was looking at myself from another place. It took a couple of minutes to understand that I was in the hospital. I remember this pain all over my body and my head hurt so bad that I wanted to be outside of my body. I had a police officer standing next to my bed asking if I remember what happened to me. I did remember and I was devastated by the events.
As I reflect back I really did not want to deal with what happened to me. I felt this shame, embarrassment and felt that I had to hide it. I pushed it out of my head and acted as if it never happened. The only thing this did was take me longer to get over it. I felt that I could not talk to my friends about it because for one, it's a scary situation and most of the domestic violence stories you hear or read about someone is killed or comes close to being killed. You can tell that people don't really want to get involved..they will tell you to give them a call if you need anything or if you want to talk, but they are being polite and they really don't mean it. I've experience so many different situations with my friends. Some of them are no longer friends and some of them are now my life long friends. It's something that just happened due to the situation and I completely understand. During this time I felt so much anger towards him. I would hear things he would say about me and I would be so angry. I thought what planet is he on? Who treats people like that? Then one day I told myself, Jacqueline remember he is no longer alive in your heart. It does not matter what he says or does because he is now a convicted criminal. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was struggling with still loving him. I knew he hurt me and I knew I did not want him back, but I still had this love for him. But I realized it was love I had for him before this happened. Today, I only feel the need to pray for him.
The running around to get the restraining order in place was unacceptable. Under the law my kids and I would not have been protected and that was the scariest part of our whole experience. I felt like a failure as a mother because I brought this man into my home with my kid's and now I cannot protect them. The fear of something happening to your children is hard to cope with. I made around 80 phone calls, drove hours and made more phone call and still could not protect my kid's. I felt as is my hands were tied by the system. I felt he was the one protected and we were fighting to save ourselves. You really have no idea how the person is feeling when they are behind bars..are they plotting to come and beat you up because they got arrested? Are they planning on hurting your children? Will you survive this time? You have no idea what they are thinking. He was a different person now..or was he? Based on all the information I learned about him he was the same person..someone I no longer had the desire to know.
My family tried to be supportive, but it was difficult for all of us. At this time my mom was recovering from a heart attack. She had been out of the hospital after a triple by-pass operation in November. It was now April. We did not want my parents to attend the Quince because of their health issues. Of course we love our cousin's and this was my mom's niece. I remember hearing that they tried to keep what happened to me a secret from my mom because she was under strict orders from the doctor to not travel far for 1. and 2 no stress because of her heart. My sister had to take my mom to the hospital after she found out what happened to me because she was getting chest pains. My sister said she saw my dad cry when he took one look at my bruised and swollen face. They were scared because I was unconscious and did not know the extent of the injuries. This affected my entire family and extended family not to mention the Holiday Inn in San Jose. My sister had to speak to the hotel and inform them what happened and asked them to change the key just in case he was let out of jail she did not want him back in the room with me (good thinking sister!) My sister was informed that 7 families checked out of the hotel from the same area we were in because they heard the beating and screaming coming from the hallway and the families were frightened.
I remember not being able to think clearly. So many thoughts going through my head and trying to work through the pain. Today will be the 3rd time I send all my restitution paperwork to the probation officer. I just don't understand why this is taking so long and why the never receive what I have sent. Again, I feel as if we have to jump through hoops to make things happen. I am no longer angry about this, but I do see that a lot of changes need to be made and I am working on being the person to make them. I continue to pray to strength and courage to continue my journey.
I didn't think I would be able to handle all the emotions and heart ache again. It seems so much easier now because of the support I have today. I still don't like talking about it because I get chocked up...but writing it down is my release. My hope is that someone will learn from my experience or be able to help someone in the time of need. I have so much respect for domestic violence victims today!! I understand so much more and I will help make changes to our current laws. We should not have to fight for protection! We should not have to live in fear! We need some changes and the sooner the better. God Bless you and again, I will continue to pray for the strength and courage to continue my journey!
As I reflect back I really did not want to deal with what happened to me. I felt this shame, embarrassment and felt that I had to hide it. I pushed it out of my head and acted as if it never happened. The only thing this did was take me longer to get over it. I felt that I could not talk to my friends about it because for one, it's a scary situation and most of the domestic violence stories you hear or read about someone is killed or comes close to being killed. You can tell that people don't really want to get involved..they will tell you to give them a call if you need anything or if you want to talk, but they are being polite and they really don't mean it. I've experience so many different situations with my friends. Some of them are no longer friends and some of them are now my life long friends. It's something that just happened due to the situation and I completely understand. During this time I felt so much anger towards him. I would hear things he would say about me and I would be so angry. I thought what planet is he on? Who treats people like that? Then one day I told myself, Jacqueline remember he is no longer alive in your heart. It does not matter what he says or does because he is now a convicted criminal. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was struggling with still loving him. I knew he hurt me and I knew I did not want him back, but I still had this love for him. But I realized it was love I had for him before this happened. Today, I only feel the need to pray for him.
The running around to get the restraining order in place was unacceptable. Under the law my kids and I would not have been protected and that was the scariest part of our whole experience. I felt like a failure as a mother because I brought this man into my home with my kid's and now I cannot protect them. The fear of something happening to your children is hard to cope with. I made around 80 phone calls, drove hours and made more phone call and still could not protect my kid's. I felt as is my hands were tied by the system. I felt he was the one protected and we were fighting to save ourselves. You really have no idea how the person is feeling when they are behind bars..are they plotting to come and beat you up because they got arrested? Are they planning on hurting your children? Will you survive this time? You have no idea what they are thinking. He was a different person now..or was he? Based on all the information I learned about him he was the same person..someone I no longer had the desire to know.
My family tried to be supportive, but it was difficult for all of us. At this time my mom was recovering from a heart attack. She had been out of the hospital after a triple by-pass operation in November. It was now April. We did not want my parents to attend the Quince because of their health issues. Of course we love our cousin's and this was my mom's niece. I remember hearing that they tried to keep what happened to me a secret from my mom because she was under strict orders from the doctor to not travel far for 1. and 2 no stress because of her heart. My sister had to take my mom to the hospital after she found out what happened to me because she was getting chest pains. My sister said she saw my dad cry when he took one look at my bruised and swollen face. They were scared because I was unconscious and did not know the extent of the injuries. This affected my entire family and extended family not to mention the Holiday Inn in San Jose. My sister had to speak to the hotel and inform them what happened and asked them to change the key just in case he was let out of jail she did not want him back in the room with me (good thinking sister!) My sister was informed that 7 families checked out of the hotel from the same area we were in because they heard the beating and screaming coming from the hallway and the families were frightened.
I remember not being able to think clearly. So many thoughts going through my head and trying to work through the pain. Today will be the 3rd time I send all my restitution paperwork to the probation officer. I just don't understand why this is taking so long and why the never receive what I have sent. Again, I feel as if we have to jump through hoops to make things happen. I am no longer angry about this, but I do see that a lot of changes need to be made and I am working on being the person to make them. I continue to pray to strength and courage to continue my journey.
I didn't think I would be able to handle all the emotions and heart ache again. It seems so much easier now because of the support I have today. I still don't like talking about it because I get chocked up...but writing it down is my release. My hope is that someone will learn from my experience or be able to help someone in the time of need. I have so much respect for domestic violence victims today!! I understand so much more and I will help make changes to our current laws. We should not have to fight for protection! We should not have to live in fear! We need some changes and the sooner the better. God Bless you and again, I will continue to pray for the strength and courage to continue my journey!
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My Gratitude Rock!
My road to becoming the Victor is going well! Going through my DV information folder and looking at the scene photos is pretty hard. I started to feel a little blue..then my boyfriend reminded me of the "Gratitude Rock.!" I was never someone who had such a thing, but I find myself carrying it around with me. I did not go out and buy a rock with the words gratitude on it. I got my rock when I went for a week to San Diego to see my boyfriend. We took a walk on the beach in Corona, CA, it was such a beautiful day!! We were both so happy because we were finally able to spend time together. As we were walking on the beach I looked down and saw this beautiful rock that seemed to be out of place. I remember looking at my boyfriend and making a comment that the rock was so pretty. I told him that I was going to take it home with me so I could remember what a fabulous day we had together! I had the rock on my bedroom dresser so when my boyfriend told me about the gratitude rock I said, "Hey, I have my rock from San Diego! I will use that rock because I was so happy being with you in San Diego! I am grateful for my kid's! I'm grateful for you! I'm grateful that we are working towards our plan of moving to San Diego! My rock already means a lot to me so I'm going to us it!"
Every time I pick up my rock it reminds me to be grateful. I sit and think about all the things I have to be grateful for!! I find myself picking it up a lot! You know what? It really does work because it's helping me stay positive and focused! It reminds me to focus my energy in a positive direction and just be grateful for what I have! And don't worry about what you don't have. If you don't have a gratitude rock you might want to look into getting one from a special place. If you want one send me a message and I will find one for you. I cut and pasted the information for a gratitude rock below. All I know is it has helped me and continues to help me stay focused in the right direction!
A gratitude rock can be a powerful reminder to practice gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we bring a focus to the present and our lives become enriched as we center our attention on all of our many blessings. It sounds so easy, but to maintain an attitude of gratitude is often more challenging.
The basic idea of a gratitude rock or gratitude stone, is simple. You carry it with you, typically in your pocket or purse. Whenever you touch it, you give thanks for something right at that moment. No matter whether you are stuck in traffic, sitting at your desk at work or school, or anywhere else you might be – simply give thanks for something good in your life at that moment.
It is truly amazing how this simple act can create great changes in your life as your perspective and attitude improve. This simple stone will help focus your thoughts, energy and feelings on all of the positive aspects of your life, and you will naturally integrate more gratitude into your life.
Carry it in your pocket or purse for a day filled with gratitude.
I love my gratitude rock and use it on a daily basis!! Thank you baby once again for giving me another tool to use!!
Every time I pick up my rock it reminds me to be grateful. I sit and think about all the things I have to be grateful for!! I find myself picking it up a lot! You know what? It really does work because it's helping me stay positive and focused! It reminds me to focus my energy in a positive direction and just be grateful for what I have! And don't worry about what you don't have. If you don't have a gratitude rock you might want to look into getting one from a special place. If you want one send me a message and I will find one for you. I cut and pasted the information for a gratitude rock below. All I know is it has helped me and continues to help me stay focused in the right direction!
A gratitude rock can be a powerful reminder to practice gratitude. When we practice gratitude, we bring a focus to the present and our lives become enriched as we center our attention on all of our many blessings. It sounds so easy, but to maintain an attitude of gratitude is often more challenging.
The basic idea of a gratitude rock or gratitude stone, is simple. You carry it with you, typically in your pocket or purse. Whenever you touch it, you give thanks for something right at that moment. No matter whether you are stuck in traffic, sitting at your desk at work or school, or anywhere else you might be – simply give thanks for something good in your life at that moment.
It is truly amazing how this simple act can create great changes in your life as your perspective and attitude improve. This simple stone will help focus your thoughts, energy and feelings on all of the positive aspects of your life, and you will naturally integrate more gratitude into your life.
Carry it in your pocket or purse for a day filled with gratitude.
I love my gratitude rock and use it on a daily basis!! Thank you baby once again for giving me another tool to use!!
A day of reflection 10/20/10
The past few days I felt a little stressed out, a little overwhelmed and cranky. I have been going through my folder with all the paperwork, notes and letters from the District Attorney, Police and Probation Officer. I didn't realize at the time, but I pushed most of this out of my head in order to try and "deal" with the situation. I felt that I had no one to speak to about it. I would talk to my oldest sister about it and she would cry. She would get so upset and start to cry saying, "Jacq, the sound of your screaming gave me chills. Seeing you with your face so swollen and bruised, you kept fainting and your eyes rolled back in your head, we were not sure how bad you were hurt. You would not let anyone touch you or get near you." I could not hear it. I didn't want to hear it. I would think we were talking about someone else. I just pushed it out of my head. Who was my sister talking about?..I knew it was not me. I would never let that happen to me. I would never be with someone who would ever lay a hand on me. I was so wrong and in denial about it. I used that crazy thinking so I would not have to deal with it..sometimes it worked....other times not so much.
I am feeling the light shining through me and I love it! My spirit is energized again and I love, love, love it!! I have not felt like myself since this whole thing happened. I felt as if I lost myself that day...that is until now! I have been able to let a lot of things go and see the good that has come from me. I keep learning so much about myself. I have to remember that I am in control my reaction. I control my thoughts and my attitude..I cannot allow anyone to make me feel inferior. It's all me, me, me!
I stopped seeing all this as a negative..I was holding on to this as a disability. I was overwhelmed with the emotions of that April 18th night and I'm so happy that I can now more forward! I wish I knew who the witnesses were so I could thank them or send them a card. If you are reading this...I would like to say, "Thank you! Thank you for staying with me until my family came from the reception area! Thank you for being brave and giving your statement! Much love to you!" To My cousin's the Alcala's..I love you all!! Again, I'm sorry this happened at Nena's Quince. She looked like a princess!! Oh and my son in that Tuxedo!! WOW! We have some good looking kid's. LOL! Cousin's thank you for all the support and love!
I will continue my journey and post daily steps that I'm taking to wash away the fears. Thank you reading and the support!
I am feeling the light shining through me and I love it! My spirit is energized again and I love, love, love it!! I have not felt like myself since this whole thing happened. I felt as if I lost myself that day...that is until now! I have been able to let a lot of things go and see the good that has come from me. I keep learning so much about myself. I have to remember that I am in control my reaction. I control my thoughts and my attitude..I cannot allow anyone to make me feel inferior. It's all me, me, me!
I stopped seeing all this as a negative..I was holding on to this as a disability. I was overwhelmed with the emotions of that April 18th night and I'm so happy that I can now more forward! I wish I knew who the witnesses were so I could thank them or send them a card. If you are reading this...I would like to say, "Thank you! Thank you for staying with me until my family came from the reception area! Thank you for being brave and giving your statement! Much love to you!" To My cousin's the Alcala's..I love you all!! Again, I'm sorry this happened at Nena's Quince. She looked like a princess!! Oh and my son in that Tuxedo!! WOW! We have some good looking kid's. LOL! Cousin's thank you for all the support and love!
I will continue my journey and post daily steps that I'm taking to wash away the fears. Thank you reading and the support!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Facts about Domestic Violence for 2010
I searched a few fact finding websites-Domestic Violence for 2010. I listed some of the information below. This is crazy..one in 4 women! My daughter is 19 years old..close to the age. I do not want another person to experience the fear, frustration, anxiety, devastation, and horror of being a domestic violence victim. (I think I experienced every emotion over & over) I feel the first 24 to 48 hours are critical. You can really get frustrated with all the running around..the process is ridiculous.
Domestic violence (also known as intimate partner violence) can happen to anyone, regardless of gender, race, ethnicity, orientation, socio-economic status, or other factors.
The Victims
- One in 4 women will experience domestic violence during her lifetime.
- Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults.
- Women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner (30%) than men (5%).
- Women ages 20 to 24 are at greatest risk of becoming victims of domestic violence.
- Every year, 1 in 3 women is murdered by her partner.
The Families
- Every year, more than 3 million children witness domestic violence in their homes.
- Children who live in homes where there is domestic violence are also victims of abuse or neglect in 30% of 60% of such cases.
- A 2005 Michigan study found that children exposed to domestic violence at home show greater symptoms of trauma, including more illnesses.
- A 2003 study found that children are more likely to intervene when they witness severe violence against a parent – which places the child at great risk for injury or even death.
The Circumstances
- Domestic violence is most likely to occur between 6pm and 6am for both female and male victims.
- Domestic violence happens at home in more than 60% of reported incidents.
- More domestic violence-related homicides occur in rural areas than in suburban or urban areas.
The Consequences
- Among battered women living in shelters, 88% experience Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder because of domestic violence.
- Among women brought to emergency rooms because of domestic violence, most were socially isolated, had lower self-esteem, and had fewer social and financial resources than other women not injured because of domestic violence.
- Girls who witness domestic violence are far more likely to become victims themselves, thus continuing the cycles of victimization.
- Boys who witness domestic violence are also far more likely to become abusers, of both their spouses/partners and their children, thus perpetuating the cycles of violence in their own homes.
- Nearly 50% of homeless women and children are homeless because of domestic violence.
- Domestic violence costs more than $37 billion a year in law enforcement involvement, legal work, medical and mental health treatment, and lost productivity at companies.
Sentencing Day May 30, 2009 - my question to DA & Judge re: Evidence
I still don't understand one thing.......The police officer asked me to take additional photos in the emergency room for evidence. Ok, so I do that and called the District Attorney to ask if she needs me to mail them or email them to her or the Judge. Do I need them for the arraignment? Do I need them for the sentencing? What?
During this time I was going through the motions, but my head was so foggy..I was not in my right frame of mind. I was informed to email some of the photos and I should make sure to take them to the sentencing hearing. I should bring 3 copies. Ok..............my opinion after the experience...TOO LATE! He was sentenced without seeing my photo's? The judge did not get to see the photos? It was down played? why? I still don't understand. I'm happy I read my victim statement because that is my right as a citizen. I really felt the system let me down. I don't feel that 5 months in jail was sufficient along with the minimal classes. I think that was so ridiculous! Amazing, amazing, amazing!
I also learned this...Sometimes you think you know someone and you really don't. I have to say I knew this guy for 14 years..and never really knew his background..this was a shocker to me! I had no idea and was completely speechless. I was reading the Probation Report and is said the follow:
A review of the defendant's criminal history, which began when he was 24 years old reveals one felony conviction for domestic violence, in 1990, and 10 misdemeanor convictions; including convictions for DUI (2) and driving while license suspended (5). He has been granted formal probation on two occasions, both of which expired normally.
Clearly, the victim's safety is a primary concern in this matter. According to information obtained from the defendant, the victim and his criminal history, the defendant possesses 10 of the 21 believed risk factors for dangerousness, further violence or lethality from the domestic violence lethality risk assessment chart. These factors include history of violence against the others, possession of, or access to weapons (victim says he has martial arts tools but has not used them). history of alcohol abuse, a history of prior police calls, extreme emotional responses (according to the victim, when he is drunk). his access to the victim ( shares a residence or knows the victim's whereabouts), a history of multiple violence/alcohol-related convictions, victim or witness of violence as a child, denial or minimization
The defendant is eligible for probation services and in light of the negotiated plea, the undersigned concurs that a grand of form probation combined with a five month jail sentence will serve the defendant accountable for his actions in the present matter and provide for appropriate monitoring in the community. They also added some classes here.
THIS COMPLETELY PISSED ME OFF!!! Come to find out that the Probation report was prepared on May 22, 2009.. His sentence was already decided before any of my photos' or my victim statement were even looked at or heard by anyone!! With everything stated in the Probation Report..that was it! 5 months in jail! How was that possible? This cannot not happen. I don't care how many photo's they had. They asked me to take more photo's because I was strapped on a backboard. I do that and ask at what point they need them and I'm told for sentencing. What a joke! I hope you can see why I'm on my quest for change. It has taken me one in a half years to come to grips with this. Instead of allowing this to consume me I'm going to turn it around and make a change. I don't really care to hear all the excuses about how or why it happened to me...it's irrelevant! One person is too many in my opinion. I had to fight to protect my family. No one should have to feel like that! Oh, so many lessons...
During this time I was going through the motions, but my head was so foggy..I was not in my right frame of mind. I was informed to email some of the photos and I should make sure to take them to the sentencing hearing. I should bring 3 copies. Ok..............my opinion after the experience...TOO LATE! He was sentenced without seeing my photo's? The judge did not get to see the photos? It was down played? why? I still don't understand. I'm happy I read my victim statement because that is my right as a citizen. I really felt the system let me down. I don't feel that 5 months in jail was sufficient along with the minimal classes. I think that was so ridiculous! Amazing, amazing, amazing!
I also learned this...Sometimes you think you know someone and you really don't. I have to say I knew this guy for 14 years..and never really knew his background..this was a shocker to me! I had no idea and was completely speechless. I was reading the Probation Report and is said the follow:
A review of the defendant's criminal history, which began when he was 24 years old reveals one felony conviction for domestic violence, in 1990, and 10 misdemeanor convictions; including convictions for DUI (2) and driving while license suspended (5). He has been granted formal probation on two occasions, both of which expired normally.
Clearly, the victim's safety is a primary concern in this matter. According to information obtained from the defendant, the victim and his criminal history, the defendant possesses 10 of the 21 believed risk factors for dangerousness, further violence or lethality from the domestic violence lethality risk assessment chart. These factors include history of violence against the others, possession of, or access to weapons (victim says he has martial arts tools but has not used them). history of alcohol abuse, a history of prior police calls, extreme emotional responses (according to the victim, when he is drunk). his access to the victim ( shares a residence or knows the victim's whereabouts), a history of multiple violence/alcohol-related convictions, victim or witness of violence as a child, denial or minimization
The defendant is eligible for probation services and in light of the negotiated plea, the undersigned concurs that a grand of form probation combined with a five month jail sentence will serve the defendant accountable for his actions in the present matter and provide for appropriate monitoring in the community. They also added some classes here.
THIS COMPLETELY PISSED ME OFF!!! Come to find out that the Probation report was prepared on May 22, 2009.. His sentence was already decided before any of my photos' or my victim statement were even looked at or heard by anyone!! With everything stated in the Probation Report..that was it! 5 months in jail! How was that possible? This cannot not happen. I don't care how many photo's they had. They asked me to take more photo's because I was strapped on a backboard. I do that and ask at what point they need them and I'm told for sentencing. What a joke! I hope you can see why I'm on my quest for change. It has taken me one in a half years to come to grips with this. Instead of allowing this to consume me I'm going to turn it around and make a change. I don't really care to hear all the excuses about how or why it happened to me...it's irrelevant! One person is too many in my opinion. I had to fight to protect my family. No one should have to feel like that! Oh, so many lessons...
Sentencing Day May 30, 2009 (more detail)
I remember speaking with my daughter Rochelle about the sentencing. My sister's were unable to drive from Visalia, CA to attend the sentencing with me..My daughter told me she wished to attend..My son also requested, but when the day came it was too much for him. My daughter and I drove to my aunt Pat's house in Mountain View. I love my aunt! I was also feeling ashamed because the Quince was for her granddaughter. My cousin's are awesome and they supported me.
The morning of sentencing we headed for the court house on Hedding street in San Jose. We all made some small talk and headed to the court room. My stomach was in knots...I felt like I was trembling inside my entire body. As I walked into the room and give my name they asked if I was the "victim." I said, "yes" and I was instructed to provide 3 copies of any paperwork one for the judge, one for the DA and one for the public defender. Each of the copies I gave had a copy of my physical injury photos...As I had just sat down I noticed he was standing and the judge was speaking to him...no one acknowledged me..not the DA or the Judge. I sat for a second and I thought..OH MY GOSH! She was not informed that I was here...what do I do? As the judge is speaking to the suspect and I interrupt and start walking to the podium with the microphone...the bailiff starts approaching me. And I as loud as I can speak I say..I'M THE VICTIM AND I AM GOING TO READ A VICTIM STATEMENT!" The Judge said, "oh, I did not realize you were here. State your name...I did..and the District Attorney stood up and said, "take all the time you need." During this time I look up to get a look at the criminal standing next to his public defender handcuffed to another inmate.
The public defender and the defendant were speaking to each other rather loud as I started to read. They were acting like they were just going to ignore my letter. Here, I am standing, shaking, trying so hard not to cry, barely able to speak and the public defender is speaking to him???? I was stopped by the Judge.. she said, " Excuse me Miss Alvarez for one moment.". As I stopped reading I looked up holding back my tears. The Judge looks at the Public defender and says, "Mr. Public Defender! You need to be quiet right this second! I do not want to hear one word out of you or anyone else in this court room! This women was brave enough to come and speak today and you will listen! We need more people like Miss Alvarez. I don't want to hear one word from anyone. Do you understand me!" he says, "yes". She apologizes again and asks me to continue and to start from the beginning.. I finished reading my victim statement and the Judge said, "Miss Alvarez I would like to say, Thank you for reading your statement. You are very brave." A gentlemen standing behind me also said, "great job."......I was able to get through the letter because by the 3rd time I had to stop and get a grip..I turned around at the seats and saw my daughter. For a split second I felt as if I was just going to BUST out in tears. A second later I could feel my daughter Rochelle grab my hand and give me a hug! She said, "you can do it mom!" She stood by my side looking directly at B wile i was reading my victim statement. She said he had no reaction..he just stood with a blank look. She said the guy's all chained up with him were looking over at him.
The sentence was read...we left the court house...Thank God for my cousin's and my daughter this day!! I'm telling you.. My cousin's just show you love! They all made me feel very good!
The morning of sentencing we headed for the court house on Hedding street in San Jose. We all made some small talk and headed to the court room. My stomach was in knots...I felt like I was trembling inside my entire body. As I walked into the room and give my name they asked if I was the "victim." I said, "yes" and I was instructed to provide 3 copies of any paperwork one for the judge, one for the DA and one for the public defender. Each of the copies I gave had a copy of my physical injury photos...As I had just sat down I noticed he was standing and the judge was speaking to him...no one acknowledged me..not the DA or the Judge. I sat for a second and I thought..OH MY GOSH! She was not informed that I was here...what do I do? As the judge is speaking to the suspect and I interrupt and start walking to the podium with the microphone...the bailiff starts approaching me. And I as loud as I can speak I say..I'M THE VICTIM AND I AM GOING TO READ A VICTIM STATEMENT!" The Judge said, "oh, I did not realize you were here. State your name...I did..and the District Attorney stood up and said, "take all the time you need." During this time I look up to get a look at the criminal standing next to his public defender handcuffed to another inmate.
The public defender and the defendant were speaking to each other rather loud as I started to read. They were acting like they were just going to ignore my letter. Here, I am standing, shaking, trying so hard not to cry, barely able to speak and the public defender is speaking to him???? I was stopped by the Judge.. she said, " Excuse me Miss Alvarez for one moment.". As I stopped reading I looked up holding back my tears. The Judge looks at the Public defender and says, "Mr. Public Defender! You need to be quiet right this second! I do not want to hear one word out of you or anyone else in this court room! This women was brave enough to come and speak today and you will listen! We need more people like Miss Alvarez. I don't want to hear one word from anyone. Do you understand me!" he says, "yes". She apologizes again and asks me to continue and to start from the beginning.. I finished reading my victim statement and the Judge said, "Miss Alvarez I would like to say, Thank you for reading your statement. You are very brave." A gentlemen standing behind me also said, "great job."......I was able to get through the letter because by the 3rd time I had to stop and get a grip..I turned around at the seats and saw my daughter. For a split second I felt as if I was just going to BUST out in tears. A second later I could feel my daughter Rochelle grab my hand and give me a hug! She said, "you can do it mom!" She stood by my side looking directly at B wile i was reading my victim statement. She said he had no reaction..he just stood with a blank look. She said the guy's all chained up with him were looking over at him.
The sentence was read...we left the court house...Thank God for my cousin's and my daughter this day!! I'm telling you.. My cousin's just show you love! They all made me feel very good!
Another disappointment with the system......
My experience was horrible! I called the District Attorney and complained about all the BS I've been going through with wrong phone numbers, no one gives information, running around getting the restraining order in place. I needed information now and I was CONTINUOUSLY referred to my victim advocate who was away from the office for approximately 1 week....and of course,..YOU ALWAYS GET VOICE MAIL! Don't think about hitting zero for an operator, because you will not get one.
Again I called the District Attorney and asked about my next step..do I need to go to his arraignment. I specifically asked the DA if it would make a difference if I attended. If I read a victim statement here will it make a difference? I was advised not to attend the arraignment because all they do is read the charges and it's over very quick. She said, "you live over 2 hours away don't make the drive for it. You will definitely want to be here for sentencing. If you would like to read a victim statement please let the person who checks you in know and we will be advised." I then informed her to count on me attending his sentencing and I will be reading a victim statement. Please note it.
Again I called the District Attorney and asked about my next step..do I need to go to his arraignment. I specifically asked the DA if it would make a difference if I attended. If I read a victim statement here will it make a difference? I was advised not to attend the arraignment because all they do is read the charges and it's over very quick. She said, "you live over 2 hours away don't make the drive for it. You will definitely want to be here for sentencing. If you would like to read a victim statement please let the person who checks you in know and we will be advised." I then informed her to count on me attending his sentencing and I will be reading a victim statement. Please note it.
I again asked the DA to run me through the process so I will know what to expect and plan accordingly. Again, advised not to attend the arraignment.
Well, I don't want anyone to make the same mistake I made.. I listening and did not go. I made a follow up phone call to the DA later that afternoon and she said, "he pled guilty," as we were talking she said, "he actually pled Nolo contendere." it is a guilty plea. Ok, so what else..what do I do....next step? And why did he plea Nolo contendere? oh please- they made a deal!
Today I feel that I should have gone to the arraignment. I would have read a letter to the judge and court room. I would ask that the photos of my injuries be reviewed and he should not be given a choice whether or not to see the attack photos. The judge read the probation report which was for suspect B. and the probation officers interview..HE LIED and LIED . If the probation report wasn't so long I would add it...I might add some... not sure yet. I believe my presence would have made a difference in his sentence. I'm shocked, appalled and so disappointed with his sentence. I did not know at this time that I should have attended...the reason I feel this way was due to the sentencing...the judge made a comment to the suspect and said, "I did not realize your issues were severe," or something to that nature...I was standing in disbelief................HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW? WHAT? He was standing up looking straight forward all protected...and given the right to tell me he does not want to see the pictures of what he did to me!!!!! Judge, why does he have the right to tell me no? It was HIS choice...WOW! Is this really happening? My lesson learned was "Go with your gut!" I should have attended the arraignment and read MY victim statement. I saw the impact my letter had on the court and the entire room during sentencing... but too late, the decision was already made at the arraignment. I guess that is why I was told not to go....hmmmm. I'm pondering that......(next my recollection of sentencing).
Police Report Type- Domestic Violence 4/18/09 2056 Saturday (Continued) #2
Supplemental Report:
On 4/18/09 at approx. 2057 hours, units were dispatched to the Holiday In located at..on the report of a physical fight. I responded to assist, and made contact with witness...and RP.
Statement of witness 1
blank was walking with RP witness blank and passed the victim and suspect as they (victim and suspect) stood outside the double doors of the building 7 of the Holiday Inn. The victim and suspect were standing face to face and we very close together. As blank and blank passed the victim and suspect, blank observed that they were involved in an argument. blank and blank reached the double doors and were preparing to enter the building when blank heard the suspect tell the victim something similar to, "you are getting too close to me." Out of the corner of her eye, blank then observed the suspect strike the victim in the head with his right hand. The suspect then encircled the victim's head/neck with his right arm and proceeded to drag her into the building thru a single glass door located several yards to the east of the double glass door entrance. Once the victim and suspect entered the building blank could no longer see them, however she could hear the victim screaming in fear an pain. Blank then observed the suspect exit the building through the single glass doorway and walk away northbound through the parking lot. She lost sight of the suspect at that time blank then waited outside building 7 for the police to arrive.
Statement of RP
blank was walking with witness blank and passed the victim and suspect as she approached the double glass doorway entrance to building 7. She could tell that the victim and suspect were in a verbal argument. Blank was attempting to open the door to the building and had her back to the subjects when she heard the suspect strike the victim. She turned and observed the suspect dragging the victim into the building via a single glass doorway immediately east of her location. RP called 911 with her cell phone to report the event. While she was on the phone she could hear the victim screaming. Once the victim and suspect entered the building they were out of her sight. blank walked to the single glass doorway and looked inside. At that point she observed the suspect walking in her direct and was about to exit the building. Fearing for her safety, RP then entered the building via the double glass doorway, blank then observed the suspect walk N/B through the parking lot, where she then lost sight of him.
Follow up:
According to family members of the victim, the suspect was due to perform at the "Ye Olde Royal Oak" bar on Coleman. The suspect is the lead singer of the group ...(not giving out the name of the group..they are still one of my favorite bands..Much love and respect to you guy's!)
The suspect reportedly was driving the victim's Chrysler 300 with an unknown license plate. I drove to the bar located on Coleman Avenue. The victim's vehicle was parked in the lot of the bar.
Band was playing when I arrived at the club. I made contact with the club's manager and advised him that we needed to take the suspect into custody. The manager made contact wit the suspect and had him exit the club. The suspect was taken into custody without incident and was transported to PPC by Officer E. Officer B. responded to PPC to take custody of the suspect from Officer E.(end)
Witness: 16yr old niece
witness said on 4/18/09, at approximately 2050 hours, she was walking with Jacqueline and Suspect through the Holiday Inn. She said Jacqueline and Suspect were having a verbal argument when they had arrive at their hotel room; Room 00 She said the two were arguing about who would open the door to their room when the two went around the corned into the hallway between room and room.. Witness said she began to hear the sounds of someone being thrown against a wall and screaming from Jacqueline.
Witness said she turned around the corner to the hallway where she watched suspect B. punch Jacqueline once with a closed fist to her head and shove Jacqueline against the wall. Witness said she approached the two and said she told suspect B. to "Stop," and he replied "get out of here," Witness said she told suspect B. that she was going to call police and she left the area to do so. Witness said when she returned to the area she found Jacqueline lying in the hallway beside room 00 and suspect B. was nowhere to be found.
Narrative (continued)
I contacted Officer E. at SJPD PPC where I took custody of suspect B. from him. I transported suspect B. to AIB where he submitted a blood sample to Blood Tech. I took custody of the blood sample and booked it into evidence at the AIB Blood Vault. I read suspect his Miranda rights from my department card and he replied "yes," to understanding each of his rights. I asked suspect if he would like to tell me what had happened earlier in the evening and I took the following statement.
suspect B. No, I'll wait for my public defender
Narrative..cont.
I transported suspect B. to the main jail where he was booked for domestic violence (273.5 PC
On 4/18/09 at approx. 2057 hours, units were dispatched to the Holiday In located at..on the report of a physical fight. I responded to assist, and made contact with witness...and RP.
Statement of witness 1
blank was walking with RP witness blank and passed the victim and suspect as they (victim and suspect) stood outside the double doors of the building 7 of the Holiday Inn. The victim and suspect were standing face to face and we very close together. As blank and blank passed the victim and suspect, blank observed that they were involved in an argument. blank and blank reached the double doors and were preparing to enter the building when blank heard the suspect tell the victim something similar to, "you are getting too close to me." Out of the corner of her eye, blank then observed the suspect strike the victim in the head with his right hand. The suspect then encircled the victim's head/neck with his right arm and proceeded to drag her into the building thru a single glass door located several yards to the east of the double glass door entrance. Once the victim and suspect entered the building blank could no longer see them, however she could hear the victim screaming in fear an pain. Blank then observed the suspect exit the building through the single glass doorway and walk away northbound through the parking lot. She lost sight of the suspect at that time blank then waited outside building 7 for the police to arrive.
Statement of RP
blank was walking with witness blank and passed the victim and suspect as she approached the double glass doorway entrance to building 7. She could tell that the victim and suspect were in a verbal argument. Blank was attempting to open the door to the building and had her back to the subjects when she heard the suspect strike the victim. She turned and observed the suspect dragging the victim into the building via a single glass doorway immediately east of her location. RP called 911 with her cell phone to report the event. While she was on the phone she could hear the victim screaming. Once the victim and suspect entered the building they were out of her sight. blank walked to the single glass doorway and looked inside. At that point she observed the suspect walking in her direct and was about to exit the building. Fearing for her safety, RP then entered the building via the double glass doorway, blank then observed the suspect walk N/B through the parking lot, where she then lost sight of him.
Follow up:
According to family members of the victim, the suspect was due to perform at the "Ye Olde Royal Oak" bar on Coleman. The suspect is the lead singer of the group ...(not giving out the name of the group..they are still one of my favorite bands..Much love and respect to you guy's!)
The suspect reportedly was driving the victim's Chrysler 300 with an unknown license plate. I drove to the bar located on Coleman Avenue. The victim's vehicle was parked in the lot of the bar.
Band was playing when I arrived at the club. I made contact with the club's manager and advised him that we needed to take the suspect into custody. The manager made contact wit the suspect and had him exit the club. The suspect was taken into custody without incident and was transported to PPC by Officer E. Officer B. responded to PPC to take custody of the suspect from Officer E.(end)
Witness: 16yr old niece
witness said on 4/18/09, at approximately 2050 hours, she was walking with Jacqueline and Suspect through the Holiday Inn. She said Jacqueline and Suspect were having a verbal argument when they had arrive at their hotel room; Room 00 She said the two were arguing about who would open the door to their room when the two went around the corned into the hallway between room and room.. Witness said she began to hear the sounds of someone being thrown against a wall and screaming from Jacqueline.
Witness said she turned around the corner to the hallway where she watched suspect B. punch Jacqueline once with a closed fist to her head and shove Jacqueline against the wall. Witness said she approached the two and said she told suspect B. to "Stop," and he replied "get out of here," Witness said she told suspect B. that she was going to call police and she left the area to do so. Witness said when she returned to the area she found Jacqueline lying in the hallway beside room 00 and suspect B. was nowhere to be found.
Narrative (continued)
I contacted Officer E. at SJPD PPC where I took custody of suspect B. from him. I transported suspect B. to AIB where he submitted a blood sample to Blood Tech. I took custody of the blood sample and booked it into evidence at the AIB Blood Vault. I read suspect his Miranda rights from my department card and he replied "yes," to understanding each of his rights. I asked suspect if he would like to tell me what had happened earlier in the evening and I took the following statement.
suspect B. No, I'll wait for my public defender
Narrative..cont.
I transported suspect B. to the main jail where he was booked for domestic violence (273.5 PC
Police Report Type- Domestic Violence 4/18/09 2056 Saturday (Continued)
Statement of victim 1- Jacqueline:
V-1 Jacqueline explained that suspect B. is her live-in boyfriend of approximately 3 years. Today, they had come into town from Rocklin to attend a family party. They had rented a room at the Holiday Inn to stay for the night. Tonight they were all having dinner at the Holiday Inn. At some point S1 B. returned to the room without the victim. V1 Jacqueline eventually realized that she had misplaced her key, so she called S1 B. at the room and requested he come meet her so he could let her in. V1 Jacqueline told me that S1 B. seemed irritated by the fact she had lost her key. He did leave the room to come meet her. He voiced his displeasure with her for losing the key, but nothing out of the ordinary occurred at that time. Then then walked towards their building together. The victim's 16 yr old niece was with them at that time too. When they reached the entrance to the building, S1 opened the door, turned and unexpectedly started striking the victim with his fist. V1 explained that she was shocked by this because it was completely unprovoked. He kept hitting her and hitting hr. V1 Jacqueline told me she shielded her face with her hands while he continued to strike her. S1 B also dragged the victim by her hair down the hallway to outside their room. Along the way, he would stop and begin punching her again. V1 Jacqueline said the assault felt like it lasted "fifteen minutes." As a result of the attack, she was frightened and scared of the suspect. She complained of head, neck, back, and arm/hand pain. She definitely wanted to press charges on S1 B. V1 Jacqueline also requested an EPRO...(this was an emergency order).
Statement of RP/Witness (3)
Injuries: V1 Jacqueline sustained bruising and minor scratches to her arms and hands. She also had noticeable swelling to the left side of her face, near her temple. She complained of head, neck, back, arm/hand pain. She was transported to RMC for treatment. At the time I left the hospital the was still strapped to a backboard and preparing to be x-rayed. Due to the victim's limited mobility (because of the backboard) I was unable to thoroughly photograph all her injuries. I recommended she have photos taken of herself when she returned home and to save the photos as evidence.
S1 B.: sustained a minor scratch to the right side of his face, near his ear.
Physical evidence: recorded V1 statement into the database. 35 digital photographs showing the victim and the suspects injuries.
Narrative continued: While I was at the hospital with the victim, Sergeant and other officers were able to locate the suspect and safely take him into custody. Refer to their supplemental reports for further details. An EPRO was requested and granted. I provided the victim with a copy of the EPRO and personally served S1 B. at AIB. I also provided the victim with a Domestic Violence Report Receipt. Officer B. transported S1 B. to Santa Clara County Jail.
V-1 Jacqueline explained that suspect B. is her live-in boyfriend of approximately 3 years. Today, they had come into town from Rocklin to attend a family party. They had rented a room at the Holiday Inn to stay for the night. Tonight they were all having dinner at the Holiday Inn. At some point S1 B. returned to the room without the victim. V1 Jacqueline eventually realized that she had misplaced her key, so she called S1 B. at the room and requested he come meet her so he could let her in. V1 Jacqueline told me that S1 B. seemed irritated by the fact she had lost her key. He did leave the room to come meet her. He voiced his displeasure with her for losing the key, but nothing out of the ordinary occurred at that time. Then then walked towards their building together. The victim's 16 yr old niece was with them at that time too. When they reached the entrance to the building, S1 opened the door, turned and unexpectedly started striking the victim with his fist. V1 explained that she was shocked by this because it was completely unprovoked. He kept hitting her and hitting hr. V1 Jacqueline told me she shielded her face with her hands while he continued to strike her. S1 B also dragged the victim by her hair down the hallway to outside their room. Along the way, he would stop and begin punching her again. V1 Jacqueline said the assault felt like it lasted "fifteen minutes." As a result of the attack, she was frightened and scared of the suspect. She complained of head, neck, back, and arm/hand pain. She definitely wanted to press charges on S1 B. V1 Jacqueline also requested an EPRO...(this was an emergency order).
Statement of RP/Witness (3)
Injuries: V1 Jacqueline sustained bruising and minor scratches to her arms and hands. She also had noticeable swelling to the left side of her face, near her temple. She complained of head, neck, back, arm/hand pain. She was transported to RMC for treatment. At the time I left the hospital the was still strapped to a backboard and preparing to be x-rayed. Due to the victim's limited mobility (because of the backboard) I was unable to thoroughly photograph all her injuries. I recommended she have photos taken of herself when she returned home and to save the photos as evidence.
S1 B.: sustained a minor scratch to the right side of his face, near his ear.
Physical evidence: recorded V1 statement into the database. 35 digital photographs showing the victim and the suspects injuries.
Narrative continued: While I was at the hospital with the victim, Sergeant and other officers were able to locate the suspect and safely take him into custody. Refer to their supplemental reports for further details. An EPRO was requested and granted. I provided the victim with a copy of the EPRO and personally served S1 B. at AIB. I also provided the victim with a Domestic Violence Report Receipt. Officer B. transported S1 B. to Santa Clara County Jail.
Sunday, April 19, 2009 My day after (First day home)
In a few minutes my entire world changed as I knew it. The strong confident woman I was disappeared. I had to be strong for my kid's, but find it difficult. My son had to sleep with the lights on...it made me feel safe too. Going out at night by myself...not an option. The fear and terror you feel is so difficult to manage. It was hard speaking to my family because we were all feeling the same way. It is hard to comfort one another when you are all in a state of shock. I remember walking inside my townhouse for the first time without him and feeling like.....not sure how to describe the feelings..I guess every emotion you can imagine I was feeling. My daughter was amazing during this entire time! She gave me so much strength and courage! After hugging my daughter and crying she took me to my room and showed me all the clothes she packed. She said she did not want me to see his things when I got home! That was nice! In the mean time- I had just drove 2 hours and 15 minutes from San Jose, CA to our home in Rocklin, CA, my left arm was extremely swollen/bruised and in a sling. My face was swollen and huge, especially the left side of my face. It was strange to see the left side of my face almost double the size. I had a few cuts on my face, my left eye was almost swollen shut all the way. My eye had this huge lump and looked very scary. The bruising went to both eyes. I would look at myself still in disbelief...my entire body hurt so bad, but I felt that I could not complain because I had to be strong. I sat on my bed and just cried. It was Sunday, April 19, 2010 at 3:30pm. I was a victim of domestic violence. Am I strong enough to do this? What do I do from here? When he gets out will he attacks again? Will my kid's be safe? Can I protect them? So many things going through my head. I cried almost the entire day..every part of my body hurt so bad. I was unsure of my injuries because I was in shock and still had no idea how to protect myself and my kid's. I tried to sleep when I got home because I was in the hospital all night in San Jose and released at 5:30 am. I had to check out of the hotel. My family was waiting for me at the hotel..I could not believe this happened at my cousins quince! How could he do this? He ruined my cousin's quince and my whole family and extended family was there! Why did he do this? My body had so many welts from the punches and kicks to my body. I had so many bald spots from him ripping out my hair. Again, I asked myself...WHY? Why did he snap at that moment? I tell myself...that is it! It does not matter why! You need to look at this as if he died yesterday PERIOD. He is not coming back in your life! He will never be a part of your life! He will never ever have the opportunity to love this spectacular woman! He will never have the opportunity to grow with this amazing woman ever again! He will never have the opportunity to know what my love feels like- EVER! The weird thing about this...I was also suffering a broken heart along with my physical and emotional injuries. It was a lot to handle. One day everything was good and then my life changed. God never gives us more that we can handle....I was beginning to wonder..I started to lose my faith because I was so distraught. Now, it was time to fully examine all of my injuries.. It was hard building the courage to REALLY look in the mirror...I had an issue with my stomach because of some kicks. My head had so many lumps/welts. I ran my hands over my head and could barely touch my scalp because it hurt so bad and the lumps were so big, and so many of them. My neck was bruised and swollen. I could not turn my neck..I heard from a witness that he had me in a head lock..he was punching the left side of my face until my body went limp. He continue and then proceeded to drag me by my hair, my arms and chest had so many bruises/welts..I finally got the courage to stand in front of a mirror to see the extent of my injuries..it's time to see it..I was black, blue and purple all over my body. I had welts with bruises everywhere. Almost every part of my body had huge bruises...just sitting or trying to rest in bed hurt so bad. I cannot put into words the pain I was feeling. The worst part was getting dizzy. I would be walking and then have to catch myself because I felt very dizzy. When I would lie down in bed..I would lie on my left side, then roll over to my right side..the room would spin and I would feel like throwing up. I could not stop the room from spinning so I would turn back to the other side...it seemed like an eternity before the spinning would stop. The spinning felt like I was drunk and I had no control. I would get sick every now and again because it would upset my stomach. (I had no insurance so going back to the doctor was not an option) Every time I tried to sleep the pain would overwhelm me one way or another. I saw my temporary restraining order...I got it out and started to read it. I thought ok, I have a few days here- I need to take the police officers advise and get a restraining order for Placer County. I blogged about the mess getting the order! Sheesh! I also have to add a line about my handsome boy! He was also amazing during this time. He said, "mom, don't worry we are going to be just fine! I'm going to take care of you!" I told my son, "we will take care of each other! We will get through this!" I think I was going through the motions, but not really believing it at this point. I was so confused and I had no idea what I was suppose to be doing. The part that needs to change is the fear of not knowing when he was getting out. NO ONE would tell me that. I spoke with the District Attorney and she could not tell me. Every number I called they would refer me to another phone number. ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS HOW MUCH TIME DO I HAVE BEFORE HE IS RELEASED ? Why can't anyone answer the question?...I was told....Well, if he posts bail he can gets out..ok, so how much time will I have in the event he post bail...the response: I'm not sure it depends on how long it takes to process the paperwork. ........ARE YOU KIDDING ME! The feeling of not know was the most stressful! We could not sleep because we were afraid he would walk through the door at any moment. Living life in fear was unbearable. In order for me to take a stand I had to be in a safe place. I have no family around me and I was not about to burden friends with my issue. To be honest friends really don't want to get involved in a domestic violence situation. They are scared too. They are scared that they might get hurt and their husbands and/or boyfriends don't really want me around because you just never know if the attacker will come by starting trouble... Your life really does change. You can't blame them for feeling that way..I would never want anyone to experience the nightmare or be a part of it. I decided this was something I had to do by myself. I had to start my own journey...
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