November 6,2009 Violation hearing

Well it's been 3 months since his release and he is back in jail for a probation violation. The District Attorney for San Jose called to inform me of this information. She is a very nice lady and I feel I can trust what she is saying but why does my ex boyfriend have it so easy? Why do I continue to struggle with finances, headaches and being scared that he will attack me again.. Johnene the D.A. says he will most likely get another chance, WHAT, another chance..of course he will get another chance. The system is for the criminal not the victim or her family. I should know that because I'm the one who had to protect myself and my kids..even the police officer's, several police officer's told me to remember that a restraining order is just a piece of paper. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, I carry pepper spray in my purse and I have to leave a light on at night just so I can feel some what comfortable and see my kids bedroom doors when I'm in my room.. Every month I stuggle to pay my bills..again I cannot pay rent and have to decide do I pay my pg&e, water bill or buy groceries...groceries it is..how much longer can I do this? I keep trying to push these horrible thoughts out of my head because I love my children so much..my job is going well but I cannot pay my bills and i am talking about regular house bills not going out to eat or to the movies or rent movies...sheesh I have not done those things in so long I would not know how to act if I actually went out again...why am I leaning to the dark side..why am I so upset that he is the protected one? I am going to court and I will address the court again and every time he violates his probation I plan to attend..I need to win the lottery! people say money can not buy you happiness and I must disagree with them..money does buy you happiness because you can actually pay your bill and not have to worry about letting a water bill go for 2 months so you can buy food for your family.. next update will be about the court date this coming up Friday.. I'm feeling nervous about seeing him and wonder if his family will go to court??? I'm afraid that his friend might try to beat me up..she's very ghetto and like to fight people...I'm praying that I will turn all this around and my spirit will shine in my heart so i can put all this behind me.. even if Iend up homeless I think I will fight as hard as i can so that does not happen for my kids and I....you know, life can be one big challenge.....pray for me.

Sentencing Day

Sentencing day was very nerve racking!  My daughter asked if she could join me and I was happy she did!  The 2 hour and 20 minute drive seems like 5 hours when you drive it alone.  Two of my cousins came along with me for additional support and that made me feel safe. I walked in, spoke to the bailiff and told him, " I was informed to let you know that I am the victim and I have a victim statement that I will be reading."  I give him additional information for the judge, public defender and the District Attorney.  I felt as if I was going to get sick. I knew Benny could not see me because he did not have his bifocals on.  As I looked over I could see him handcuffed to another inmate and I felt this surge of being flushed with terror and anxiety rush through my entire body.  I start to hear the judge reading his sentence and when I see him standing I feel like I want to throw up. He has no expression on his face and looks forward. The judge finally acknowledges me and says to go ahead approach the microphone and read the statement. I tell the judge that he can not see without his glasses so I made copies of the pictures so he can see what he did to me..he said, "NO."   The public defender said, "No your honour that is not necessary we don't need to see them!" WHAT!! HE GETS THE RIGHT TO SAY NO!! CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? HE HAS A CHOICE IN THE MATTER? I fight the tears to read my letter..all the while I'm saying to myself.don't cry, let him hear every word..don't breakdown, you need to read this letter, get a grip, these are your words.. I finally get to the end of my letter and say... so in closing, I say to you, Goodbye forever, I no longer wish to know someone like you, and I definitely do not want someone like you around me or my children. You will answer to God one day and I will never be your punching bag again. The judge tells me I did a great job, and several others tell me the same thing as they pat me on my back.  My victim statement did not make that big of a difference on his sentencing.  They added a few more classes, but nothing that was a big deal. He is getting out of jail in July. How is that possible? I don't know why this was allowed...the judge did say, Well, Mr....doodie head (she didn't say doodiehead) it sounds much worse than you told us, based on her statement you have quite the problem! I was not aware this was so severe? WHAT? YOU DID NOT KNOW..WHY NOT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.. HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW???? HIS SENTENCE WAS ALREADY IN PLACE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?..he received 3 years probation, 52 week domestic violence class, 24 months...alcohol classes and 5 month in jail with credit for time served so he gets out July 13th. In the mean time I'm trying to find a place to live with no money saved, I'm getting harassed by his brothers girlfriend so I had to change my phone numbers, and I'm for sure moving because i am afraid for my life and my kids life. He is a different person today and I know he will come find me. He is a black belt in karate and a user of such so I need to be very careful and watch every step...Lord help me and my kid's. Our entire life is out of control! He know's our schedule, he know's where my kid's go to school.  Lord please don't let him come after us!

This Friday is sentencing....

I'm feeling very scared but trying to be strong for my kids. The nerves and headaches are really starting to bother me. With no insurance I continue to suffer through all this. I am still getting very dizzy mostly at night when I'm trying to rest. I can't help but think he gave me some type of horrible brain damage. The amount of punches to my head was too many to count, one witness said. And kicking me in the head and neck,.scary stuff.

I still feel a little surprised that he is acting like he does not know what happened. He's playing the victim and saying I was mad at him.. How can people be like that especially someone I was living with for 3 years??? WHO is that person who sits in jail?? Why was I with him?? All these questions I think I will toss out the window because I no longer care to know someone like him.
I no longer wish to help him financially like I did when we were together, I no longer wish to associate myself with someone who is on this earth taking up space. Someone who only exist and does nothing to help himself or others.

Looking back, he was always this person. WHY didn't I see it? Love.. My mom says, Love is blind...,deaf, and dumb. We get wrapped up in the wrong things and don't see what we truly have until it is too late...we starting thinking with our hearts instead of our head...he never had anything to offer me..,not one thing.. he was always a user of people and I was his next idiot that feel for it.

got to go for now..I hope someone gets something out of this experience to help them. Ladies & gentlemen, we are better that this.. no one should ever put a hand on us for any reason. If they did it once..they will do it again..maybe not today or tomorrow but they will...My guy had a domestic violence charge 19 years prior to me....what does that tell you. Let us love ourselves and be OK to live alone and with our family and say to heck with people like you. I'm better than that and I deserve a better life! Amen!

Living as a Victim

I am so tired of hearing that.. oh, you're the victim, victim, victim, victim! I am not going to allow myself and my family to be the victim. I am going to be known as the person who brought on changes in law from my horrible experience. Our system is nutty, protection goes to the person who committed the crime, why? Why am I the one who had to do all the running around to try and protect myself, why am I the one who had to call over 80 phone numbers and still get no where.

He beat the living "day light" out of me and I was told he is only doing 5 months in jail, 52 week domestic violence class and 2 years probation! FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME, that is not right. Not right at all. He will also get 30 days credit for good behavior...what about me? I live with the nightmare everyday..he "says" he can't remember what happened and then he says, oh, she was mad all day, I should have just walked away...WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? He is trying to play the victim and get sympathy from people. If he did nothing wrong then he would not be behind bars. I'm so tired of his lies, drinking and anger..Oh yea, our whole relationship issues were about his drinking and anger problems..He says that he has no problem with that..PLEASE, that is totally denial and for a man of 46 years..why can't he begin to take responsibility for his actions? He has never done that,. maybe I thought I could change him because I loved him so much..he actually had a domestic violence inflicting corporal punishment in 1990..so that old saying if he's done it once he will do it again...sounds like it's true. (he was not with me in 1990, that was his ex-wife who told me...he's never touched me before) bunch of liars! Sorry but I very angry right now...the sentencing is this Friday, May 22 in San Jose, CA...more to follow.

2 weeks since the beating

I can't believe I'm going through hell! I had to drive to Milpitas to give the deputy the correct form to fill out so I can file the restraining order. You know what really made me mad..the correctional officer at the front desk..he was trying to be nice to me. I was explaining what happened with the paperwork and that the deputy filled out the wrong form and I was not in the right frame of mind to double check the form so I tried calling...he stopped me and said, I can tell you that you've called around 20 phone numbers and sort of laughed. I said, yes, I've called more like 30 numbers and no one could help me so I found myself driving another 2 hours and 20 minutes to handle it myself and this is a joke.. who is protecting me? who is helping? who is helping my kids? why am I the one who is jumping though hoops? why am I the one who is still feeling dizzy and has bruises? why am I not unable to pay my bills or buy groceries because of this and I missed work? who is helping me? He is sitting behind bars with 3 meals per day and showering and has electricity..what about me here struggling to survive spending money on gas that takes away from grocery money..what about me? I'm having a very hard time and I'm scared and I know I need to move back to Loomis but I don't have the money to do that. I just received a notice on my door telling me my ex boyfriend has not paid our sewer and garbage bill which is now $300.00 and if I don't pay it in 48 hours they will start an eviction. I have to sign off for now..

A day in Court April 29, 2009

Well, my ex boyfriend went to court yesterday for the arraignment. I called the DA's office today and found out that the plea was "guilty." I felt that I should have attended, but the DA insisted this was nothing to be concerned with..it is usually very quick.  I was informed that the sentencing is May 20 something in San Jose.. oh my head is just spinning from all of this.. Trying to work at a new job..learning something new..getting dizzy all the time. Be strong Jacqueline, be strong. The DA told me that I should attend the sentencing and If I did not have someone to accompany me I can call the victim witness program.  I was told that he plead guilty and a prosecutor will be calling me for some information. My ex had never put his hands on me ever! I'm feeling very mixed up, upset, sad, mad, frustrated, scared, sick to my stomach, nervous, embarrassed  and anxious. I wonder what is going to happen to him.  I wonder if he felt remorseful.  I wonder if he would come looking for me and hurt me when he got out.  I he could have seen what he did to me. You know, I think they should be made to see the extent of what they did..period. They should not have a choice on whether or not to see crime scene photos.  I know I sound brave saying that.. every time I hear his name I feel scared and want to throw up from nerves. It's just crazy. This Saturday I have to drive back to Milpitas to try and get the correct papers signed for the restraining order. My Internet at home doesn't work, I have no money to pay bills, no groceries for my kid's. What is going on???  This entire situation changed my life in seconds.  I was already struggling and now this.  I still can't believe I have to drive all the way back to Milpitas to have him served CORRECTLY.  My emergency protective order expired on 4/24/09 at 5:00 pm.  I've been rushing around and driving around to make sure the restraining order is valid! We are not protected right now. I called the police department and asked, "what happens if he posts bail and wants to come home??" I was told that because we share the home and I do not have a restraining order in place he would be allowed in our home. WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Oh, but if he hit me again, used a weapon on me, stabbed me...feel free to call the police department...OK, how do you sleep with that over your head?

So, I asked what if he did come back and do this? How do I prove it? He said, "I have to have witnesses." Well let me tell you this...your friend will pretty much stay away from you.  Your circle of friends gets smaller and smaller because they are all afraid of getting involved.  They are afraid of being with you in the event something happens.  This is scary stuff and you cannot blame people for stepping back.  I was scared for my friends too.  I never want anyone to experience this nightmare.

The last time I drove to Elmwood in Milpitas to have him served the Police officer took one look at me and said, "oh my gosh! Are you ok?" We had a brief conversation about the waiting room as it was time for family visits.  As I was looking around at all the people waiting to visit the inmates I noticed several small children going along.  I asked the police office if that was common? Do you see a lot of children coming to the jail to visit inmates?  He said, "Yes, you would be surprised what you see.  The children come week and after week and they understand they are coming to a jail!"  I was very surprised and tried to keep my sunglasses on so you could not see most of the bruising on my face.  I was introduced to this crazy world that I did not want to be a part of.

I was happy to hear that he pled guilty! Then I find out it actually pled No contest.  I also had no idea at this particular time that a deal had already been made.  I had no idea that the judge really was not familiar with my case.  I thought I could trust the information I was given because the DA was representing me.  If for a second I would have been told that they were already negotiating his sentence I would have attended no questions asked.  I did not receive much information from the DA..only that the probation report stated they continued to catch him contradicting his story.  The probation officer would catch him lying and would ask the question again.  OK, what does that tell you..he has issues!  I know at some point I will confront this problem and do something about it.  I'm already going nuts with miscommunication and BS that I'm going through.

Talking to the Police

During the time I was in the emergency room I was asking for my dad and my sister. I remember the San Jose Police officer saying no they can't come in right now because I don't want to hear their story of what happened, I need your story. I could not remember much and I was feeling really scared. He would not let me have my sister come in..How can he be asking things I don't remember? I did say I want to press charges but with my head and neck trauma would I have been able to tell them what happened? I really think the police should let you have a family member with you. I knew I was hurt and I thought my wrist was broken. I lied on the back board with a neck brace for over 1 hour and I was in this pain that made me want to jump out of my skin. The guys from the emergency room said OK lets go to get a CT scan and xrays however the police office said I didn't take pictures yet.. they said I could not come off the neck brace or board until I have the CT and xrays so they said they would come back. The police officer took a couple of pictures and said when you get home take more pictures and sent them in. My sister was finally allowed in and now I was on the board for around 2 plus hours. They told my sister that I missed my spot and they had to put me back on a rotation so it will be awhile. The pain was almost too much to handle.
Monday I took the day off to get a restraining order at the Rocklin Police Department just like the police officer told me to do in San Jose. Well, I have one wrist in a splint and I'm all bruised up. I walk into the new Rocklin Police Department and speak to this elderly lady at the window.
She tells me to sit down and she will find out how I should proceed. I am sitting in the waiting room and I start to cry because I'm in disbelief that I am sitting in a police department. The woman tells me that I am in the wrong place. She gives me an address in Auburn, CA and says you need to go here on B Street. I am now on my way to Auburn I find the place and it's a vacant building. A man outside says go to the end of the street their is a new justice building and they will help you. I do that and they tell me I am also in the wrong place I need to go to Roseville, CA to the court house. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I just spent over 4 hours doing this so far. I then go to the Court house in Roseville, try to fill out all the paper work and get another number. I must say the 2 ladies that helped me at the Court house in Roseville were fantastic. I told them I had never done this before and I was not sure what or how to do it. I wish I could remember their names. They tagged the pages for me and helped me with everything I needed. I actually felt pretty good when I left. A couple of days later I called and the restraining order was ready to be picked up so my daughter picked it up after school for me. I get off work late and I take light rail from Sacramento. OK, since Monday the day I took off work I had been calling so many different phone numbers trying to find out how to serve my ex boyfriend since he was sitting in jail. A lady at the San Jose police station after hearing my story said, when you get the order fax it to this number. I had my daughter go to our townhouse office and see if they would help us out. They did. My daughter received a phone call asking why we just faxed it. I told her that I was instructed to do that. Well they said they were throwing it because they are not able to serve it. This is no lie, I called 23 different phone numbers asking how to do get the order served to someone in jail again saying this is new to me. I have never experienced this and I have no idea how this works please help me. Every number I called lead me no where. I sat home each night and just cried because I felt like I am the victim I NEED THE HELP! I NEED ASSISTANCE! I decided to drive to Elmwood this past Saturday which is 2 plus hours to deliver the order to a police officer. The police officer was very nice and asked where was the Notice of Service.. I said everything the court gave me is in this folder. He said wait for a deputy and we will try to help you. Finally a deputy came and looked through every paper I had and luckily I have 4 copies of the restraining order because they took 3 of them. The deputy signed and dated the form and gave it back to me. Could it be that it was finally handled!!!!
Tuesday the 28th my daughter went to the Court house in Rocklin to turn the paper in.. IT WAS THE WRONG FORM! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. The order is not valid! are you kidding me!
I am now back at square one.

Witness Statements to Police

Our system has to change because what I'm currently going through is ridiculous! I'm going to try and get you caught up with where I'm at currently in this whole nightmare.
--witness interviews. I still can not believe this happened to me. I'm a professional business woman. I have children and every time I look in the mirror or down at my hands to see all the bruises I get so upset with him.
OK, The witnesses told the police officers that my then boyfriend continued to punch me in the face. I went unconscious and he continued to hit me with a closed fist. He had me in a head lock and hit me some more and I passed out as he continued to punch my face. When he finally let go I hit the ground and again he continued to punch my back, neck and head. He then grabbed my hair and tried to pull me down the hallway and ripped some of my hair out. That GOD I don't remember any of this. Anyway, when I came to I heard that I was screaming and I would not let anyone touch me. My sister said that my dad tried to comfort me but I just screamed..I feel really sad because I don't remember that and I love my dad. At one point I did remember my seeing my dad and I was still screaming asking my dad not to leave me alone. My 14 year old son cries and says, mom, you were screaming and freaking out. Your head was so swollen and huge. You had this HUGE knot on your forehead and eye. I stood in front of you as you were screaming, you were on the floor up against the wall and you didn't trust anyone, you were screaming if anyone came near you, and you recognized me, you put your hands on my shoulders, put your head in my chest and cried. I then fainted and the paramedics were their. I guess I fainted a few times and the witnesses said my eyes were rolling back in my head. I don't remember paramedics or police but it sounds like 5 cars were their. When the police officers where talking to my son at the point the paramedics were taking me away my son said, what is my mom going to do? she does not have insurance. My sister then said, the hospital changed, a phone call was made and I was now going to a different hospital..what was that about. Was I less of a human at that point?
I just started a new job and don't have insurance yet. Well, I have my days when I'm extremely angry or very sad or scared and feeling anxiety. I can't believe this happened to me. I tell everyone that asks that I was in a car accident because I don't want them to know. It seems easier to say that. I need to be strong and I don't want to keep repeating this. I'm embarrassed and humiliated and terrified all the same time. The next few days have been very stressful and I'll try to get you caught up to where I am today and continue the process as each event happens. I'm getting very discouraged with the Rocklin Police Department Elmwood Correctional Facility and the District Attorneys office..

Victim of Domestic Violence

This is my first time blogging but I need to get this out. We need changes to our justice system and a little compassion for people. I was a victim of Domestic Violence, Saturday, April 18, 2009.
This is my story and I will keep you updated as I go along. Saturday, April 18, 2009 was a great day. We woke up early because my 14 year old son was in my cousins Quinceneara in San Jose, CA. My son looked so handsome in his tuxedo so my boyfriend and I all took pictures before we left for a 2 hour and 20 minute drive to the Bay Area. We went to my cousins house and watched the photographer take pictures of all the kids, my boyfriend was taking video while I was taking pictures. 15 of the most Beautiful Low Rider cars drove up to take each couple to the church for the ceremony. We left to the church, then to the hotel to check into our room, say hello to my parents, sister, brother in law and cousins. It was such a great night! We were all have a great time. Right after dinner around 8:00 my boyfriend went to our room go get ready for a gig he was playing at in San Jose.. My niece needed to go to the room so we starting walking towards the hotel door when I realized that I didn't have my room key. I called my boyfriend and asked him to open the door. The phone call cut off, which I thought was really strange so I called back. I asked my boyfriend to open the door to the lobby so we could get in because I couldn't find my key. He met us outside the door, then walked in and didn't hold the door open for us which was very odd but again I didn't think anything about it...or not much about it. My niece, boyfriend and myself were standing right in front of our room. I asked my boyfriend to open the door because he was just standing there. He said, find your own @#$%ing key. I said come on..your going to leave soon and I'm picking you up whats the big deal. Just give me the key. He looked at me and said, Get your own @#%%ing key I said. Then the next thing I remember is my face hurt and I was stunned because he punched me in the face. I could not believe what was happening to me. was I dreaming that the love of my life was hitting me?
He continued to punch me in the face until I was unconscious (from what 2 ladies told the police)
he knocked me out and continued to beat me (and he is a black belt) while he had me in a head lock his punches continued. He let me go and I hit the floor during that time he continued to punch my head, neck and back. he then grabbed my hair while I was knocked out and drug me down the hallway. He turned me over and continued to punch my face and choke me. The next thing I remember was waking up in the emergency room with a police officer asking if I want to press charges. I was lucky to be alive according to the police officers at the scene. My next entry will be what the witnesses statements were and the hell I've gone through trying to serve a restraining order to my ex-boyfriend while he is in jail.