Thankful for amazing friends! Do the memories ever go away?

Today is Mother's Day and I just got back from an amazing weekend visiting my parents. I felt so fortunate to be able to celebrate my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary with them. As we were are all sitting around catching up on the last time we visited the subject of the "defendant" comes up.  I fill my family in on the latest with court date on the 19th and start to tell them of the letter I'm putting together.   I feel so strong talking about the victim statement I am putting together and in a quick second I feel this moment of hurt in my heart.  I feel my heart start to beat faster as these memories of that night flash into head.  I start to tell myself that all of that was in the past and I survived that horrific beating...it could have been much worse.  Why does my brain bring those moments back? Why do I still have to have those thoughts? Please go away...

I walked around my parents ranch and I think about all my blessing and people who have helped me through this entire ordeal.   I have one person in particular that fills my heart and makes it soar with love.  I feel this love that I haven't felt in a long time and I count my blessings.  I start to pray that my world will soon change and that I will find a job. I pray for guidance, patience, and opportunities.  I have been working so hard to stay positive and take one step at time, one day at a time. My financial situation has to change..stay positive, be strong, and keep your head up!

I have to remember that challenges are my challenges and I'm the only one who can get through them.  I realize how difficult it can be for the person supporting you to have to hear about court or even attend court with you. My stomach tends to feel sick when I think about going to court and being in the same room with the defendant. I feel scared and nervous with the thought of going to court by myself, but I need to get over that and pray for the best. I will get over it... I WILL!! I HAVE TO.

When I think of the sacrifices people have made it warms heart because I know it was out of love.  They also know that I would do anything to repay them.  Not because I feel that I owe them, but because I love them.  I don't ever want resentment or someone feeling that they past up "a good thing" because of me.  That hurts my heart knowing I would always be that person who made them lose something that could have been a good thing. This court crap has lasted for 2 years now and I need to consider how much is enough.  I feel like I am losing something really good in my life because of the memories, pain, heartbreak, court, and all crap that has come with it.

This evening I'm filled with emotion and I'm leaving out a lot of things I want to really say.  I know that I am a strong woman and keep my head held high. I thank God for the people in my life and all the sacrifices they have made to support me. This has been a long hard tough journey and I'm happy that I've been as strong as I have.  I am thankful and blessed to be loved by so many people.   I am so thankful for everyone who has been by my side supporting me.  Just know that I appreciate everyone and every moment spent with me and supporting me.   This journey has been crazy!!