Another District Attorney! Just what I needed (sarcasm)

I just want to catch a break.  The past few weeks have been brutal in my personal life. Especially the time leading up to going back to court.  Things have been so crazy and then I ended up getting sick with bronchitis and I've been in bed for 5 days.  Living alone makes getting better a little on the tough side when you too independant.  I am not the type of person to ask people for help because eventually it ends up getting thrown back in my face...as it ALWAYS does.  In any case, I feel that I continue to learn my lesson over and over again when I ask so I will now stop.  No matter what is said...it casually gets put back on you...so, enough of that..

I find myself getting so frustrated with our judicial system and I feel as if my hands are tied and my mouth is bound along with my ears being plugged.  Today I had to make the check in phone call to the probation officer and the District Attorney to see what is new with my case and let them know that I will be at court to read a victim statement.  I get to the point where I can actually breath without having a coughing attack...so I get mentally prepared to make my phone calls..

My first call is to Mr. Abbott, the Probation Officer.  I get his voice mail so I leave a message...."Mr Abbott, this is Jacqueline Alvarez following up on court Thursday for defendant Benny H., I want to know what's new and make sure you have not been pressured into making any sort of deal because I will be at court, as usual." My next phone call is to Mr. Gardner, the District Attorney I had been working with on the case... had to leave him a message as well.  I leave the same type of message for him.

30 minutes or so later Mr. Abbot (the PO) calls me back.  He tells me that he really doesn't know what is going on with the case and he has not been asked to do a full report.  He did say that if he has to then he will request 3 to 4 years of prison because he needs it.  He said that he knows that Benny needs to go to prison and he will be very clear of that in his report.  He then tells me that the District Attorney Mr. Gardner is no longer on the case.  I asked him why they would do that at this point and change DA's right in the middle I don't agree with that.  I told him that as the victim and understanding the system it's a bunch of bull! He told me that he understands and said for me to keep pushing forward.  He then gave me the phone number to the new District attorney so I hung up and call Mr. Carr.

I find Mr. Carr to be an arrogant Ass.  I try to talk to him and he just talks over me so I continue to speak as well until stops talking.  I told him I am not a bunch of papers, I am a person.  He sarcastically told me that he has no idea who I am and he knows nothing of the case.  I told him to go get the file, figure it out and I will wait.  He told me that he has 144 cases and court Thursday is going to be busy so he doesn't think that I will be able to speak.  I told him that is not acceptable, I have followed my case for 2 years and I have come to every court date and I will speak.  This is my right as a citizen and as a tax payer so write it down because I will get the attention of the judge. TRUST ME!  He asked if I was allowed by the judge to speak last time..(the nerve) and I asked how new he was..I told him I could careless about how many cases the court has.  I AM THE VICTIM AND I WILL BE ADDRESSING THE COURT, JUST KNOW THAT!  I told him to get familiar with my case and my name because he will see it and hear it a lot.  I told him that I did not appreciate his attitude and he was suppose to be supporting me. Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was so angry and just broke down in tears.

My first phone call was almost to my boyfriend..he use to always comfort me and just say the right things.  Hes not speaking to me right now so my heart is just over flowing with sadness and disappointment right now.  I tell myself this is why I need to rely on myself and figure things out on my own.  My head just wants to explode along with my heart, but I continue to keep it together.  I have been very sick since last Thursday night and haven't been able to work out and release my stress.  I no longer burden my kid's, family, or friends with the court stuff because it just made people uneasy.  Some people still think he will eventually do something and they don't want to get involved.  My family is supportive but I need to keep this separated because it has been 2 years now and they have moved on from the horrific beating of April 18, 2009.  I'm very sad, overwhelmed, hurt, stressed, depressed, confused, and on the other hand I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me.  God does not give us more than we can handle.....I have been feeling as if I have way more than I can handle at the moment....I'm not working..bills are delinquent, no money, can't find a job, court, personal stress, and being sick.   Sometimes when I get really upset I get sick..use to happen when I was younger..Rheumatic fever kicks in...I do tend to worry about my heart valve issue too, but again I tell myself one thing at a time.  Just one thing at a time.  I then tell myself that it could be worse. I have a friend that is going through chemo right now and that is hard...all of my crap should not be hard and I should not be complaining.  She has tough days... my days are cake compared to her days.  I literally went to my room and cried and cried.  I cried to let out my sadness and disappointment that I've been experiencing.  I felt that I could not stop, the past memories started to flood into my head and I felt my head getting filled with negativity.  I did allow myself the time to mourn those moments and put them to rest. That was my first step to  positive thinking and one foot in the right direction.  I could barely breath after that, but felt as if I need the moments to allow my hurt heart to heal if even just a little.

I call my girlfriend and chat a little and I feel so much better.  I am going to have some wine with her in the next couple of days.  Today has been so emotional and a good eye opener as well.  I will survive what ever is happening here and I will not try to figure out the things that I have no control over.  I have taken care of myself since I was 18 years old and I will continue to do the same thing.  I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!