Sentencing Day

Sentencing day was very nerve racking!  My daughter asked if she could join me and I was happy she did!  The 2 hour and 20 minute drive seems like 5 hours when you drive it alone.  Two of my cousins came along with me for additional support and that made me feel safe. I walked in, spoke to the bailiff and told him, " I was informed to let you know that I am the victim and I have a victim statement that I will be reading."  I give him additional information for the judge, public defender and the District Attorney.  I felt as if I was going to get sick. I knew Benny could not see me because he did not have his bifocals on.  As I looked over I could see him handcuffed to another inmate and I felt this surge of being flushed with terror and anxiety rush through my entire body.  I start to hear the judge reading his sentence and when I see him standing I feel like I want to throw up. He has no expression on his face and looks forward. The judge finally acknowledges me and says to go ahead approach the microphone and read the statement. I tell the judge that he can not see without his glasses so I made copies of the pictures so he can see what he did to me..he said, "NO."   The public defender said, "No your honour that is not necessary we don't need to see them!" WHAT!! HE GETS THE RIGHT TO SAY NO!! CAN THIS BE HAPPENING? HE HAS A CHOICE IN THE MATTER? I fight the tears to read my letter..all the while I'm saying to myself.don't cry, let him hear every word..don't breakdown, you need to read this letter, get a grip, these are your words.. I finally get to the end of my letter and say... so in closing, I say to you, Goodbye forever, I no longer wish to know someone like you, and I definitely do not want someone like you around me or my children. You will answer to God one day and I will never be your punching bag again. The judge tells me I did a great job, and several others tell me the same thing as they pat me on my back.  My victim statement did not make that big of a difference on his sentencing.  They added a few more classes, but nothing that was a big deal. He is getting out of jail in July. How is that possible? I don't know why this was allowed...the judge did say, Well, Mr....doodie head (she didn't say doodiehead) it sounds much worse than you told us, based on her statement you have quite the problem! I was not aware this was so severe? WHAT? YOU DID NOT KNOW..WHY NOT, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.. HOW CAN THEY NOT KNOW???? HIS SENTENCE WAS ALREADY IN PLACE? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?..he received 3 years probation, 52 week domestic violence class, 24 months...alcohol classes and 5 month in jail with credit for time served so he gets out July 13th. In the mean time I'm trying to find a place to live with no money saved, I'm getting harassed by his brothers girlfriend so I had to change my phone numbers, and I'm for sure moving because i am afraid for my life and my kids life. He is a different person today and I know he will come find me. He is a black belt in karate and a user of such so I need to be very careful and watch every step...Lord help me and my kid's. Our entire life is out of control! He know's our schedule, he know's where my kid's go to school.  Lord please don't let him come after us!

This Friday is sentencing....

I'm feeling very scared but trying to be strong for my kids. The nerves and headaches are really starting to bother me. With no insurance I continue to suffer through all this. I am still getting very dizzy mostly at night when I'm trying to rest. I can't help but think he gave me some type of horrible brain damage. The amount of punches to my head was too many to count, one witness said. And kicking me in the head and neck,.scary stuff.

I still feel a little surprised that he is acting like he does not know what happened. He's playing the victim and saying I was mad at him.. How can people be like that especially someone I was living with for 3 years??? WHO is that person who sits in jail?? Why was I with him?? All these questions I think I will toss out the window because I no longer care to know someone like him.
I no longer wish to help him financially like I did when we were together, I no longer wish to associate myself with someone who is on this earth taking up space. Someone who only exist and does nothing to help himself or others.

Looking back, he was always this person. WHY didn't I see it? Love.. My mom says, Love is blind...,deaf, and dumb. We get wrapped up in the wrong things and don't see what we truly have until it is too late...we starting thinking with our hearts instead of our head...he never had anything to offer me..,not one thing.. he was always a user of people and I was his next idiot that feel for it.

got to go for now..I hope someone gets something out of this experience to help them. Ladies & gentlemen, we are better that this.. no one should ever put a hand on us for any reason. If they did it once..they will do it again..maybe not today or tomorrow but they will...My guy had a domestic violence charge 19 years prior to me....what does that tell you. Let us love ourselves and be OK to live alone and with our family and say to heck with people like you. I'm better than that and I deserve a better life! Amen!

Living as a Victim

I am so tired of hearing that.. oh, you're the victim, victim, victim, victim! I am not going to allow myself and my family to be the victim. I am going to be known as the person who brought on changes in law from my horrible experience. Our system is nutty, protection goes to the person who committed the crime, why? Why am I the one who had to do all the running around to try and protect myself, why am I the one who had to call over 80 phone numbers and still get no where.

He beat the living "day light" out of me and I was told he is only doing 5 months in jail, 52 week domestic violence class and 2 years probation! FOR WHAT HE DID TO ME, that is not right. Not right at all. He will also get 30 days credit for good behavior...what about me? I live with the nightmare everyday..he "says" he can't remember what happened and then he says, oh, she was mad all day, I should have just walked away...WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? He is trying to play the victim and get sympathy from people. If he did nothing wrong then he would not be behind bars. I'm so tired of his lies, drinking and anger..Oh yea, our whole relationship issues were about his drinking and anger problems..He says that he has no problem with that..PLEASE, that is totally denial and for a man of 46 years..why can't he begin to take responsibility for his actions? He has never done that,. maybe I thought I could change him because I loved him so much..he actually had a domestic violence inflicting corporal punishment in 1990..so that old saying if he's done it once he will do it again...sounds like it's true. (he was not with me in 1990, that was his ex-wife who told me...he's never touched me before) bunch of liars! Sorry but I very angry right now...the sentencing is this Friday, May 22 in San Jose, CA...more to follow.

2 weeks since the beating

I can't believe I'm going through hell! I had to drive to Milpitas to give the deputy the correct form to fill out so I can file the restraining order. You know what really made me mad..the correctional officer at the front desk..he was trying to be nice to me. I was explaining what happened with the paperwork and that the deputy filled out the wrong form and I was not in the right frame of mind to double check the form so I tried calling...he stopped me and said, I can tell you that you've called around 20 phone numbers and sort of laughed. I said, yes, I've called more like 30 numbers and no one could help me so I found myself driving another 2 hours and 20 minutes to handle it myself and this is a joke.. who is protecting me? who is helping? who is helping my kids? why am I the one who is jumping though hoops? why am I the one who is still feeling dizzy and has bruises? why am I not unable to pay my bills or buy groceries because of this and I missed work? who is helping me? He is sitting behind bars with 3 meals per day and showering and has electricity..what about me here struggling to survive spending money on gas that takes away from grocery money..what about me? I'm having a very hard time and I'm scared and I know I need to move back to Loomis but I don't have the money to do that. I just received a notice on my door telling me my ex boyfriend has not paid our sewer and garbage bill which is now $300.00 and if I don't pay it in 48 hours they will start an eviction. I have to sign off for now..