My Journey!

Well, My website has some type of malfunction so instead of freaking out I decided to just catch you up on my story. First I wanted you to see the really cute video of the dogs! I love animals, especially dogs! My dad had a beautiful little puppy that he taught to count just by holding up his fingers!! Good times!!! enjoy the video!!

Transferring my blog over to a website....

 I now have website that I'm working on.  I am adding to my story as I am moving them over. It's work in progress so please bear with me.  If you read  the stories before please take a second look.  Thanks for your support.

Here is the website www.jacquelinealvarez.262racine.net

May 19, 2011 Sentencing Day (My Victory!!)

Let me start by saying...every time I have gone to court I do the same thing (as I was instructed to do by the District Attorney) show up at 8:30 am, I tell them that I am the victim and provide the defendants name.  I tell them I need to speak to the District Attorney...today was different as far as attitudes.  Lucky for me my girlfriend Sandy went with me to court (thank you girlfriend!!)

I approach the bailiff in Department 24 (same bailiff I've seen the past 4 times) Mr. Ramirez, as I walk up to the desk he walks away.  The room is filled with people so I stand and wait for him to return.  As he walks back to his little desk approximately 5 minutes later I inform him that I'm the victim of the  B. Holguin case...he just stands their and says, "Ok what", I said, "I need to speak with the District Attorney Mr. Carr because he requested I do so and inform him that I will be addressing the court." The bailiff gave me a funny look and said, "I know who you are.  You already addressed the court last time. You don't need to do it again the judge already heard what you have to say.  You know we have a very busy calendar here today and it's not necessary to speak every time so why don't you just go sit down." (this was all said in a sarcastic voice).  I told the bailiff Mr. Ramirez, "just go get the District Attorney I want to speak to him.

(for a moment I was in shock...I could not believe this man was speaking to me like that.  Was I now the criminal? What did I do to deserve that attitude from the bailiff?  Why the attitude today?)

I stood waiting while the bailiff took his time going to speak to the District Attorney.  Mr. Carr turned around and immediately came over to speak to me.  I introduced myself and said that I wanted to address the court. He told me it would not be a problem he already put a note on the file.  Mr. Carr apologized for his behavior and told me that Mr. Gardner had chewed him out because I said a few things about our phone conversation. Mr. Carr said that he reviewed the case and Mr. Holguin needs to be sent to prison. He said that he was really sorry if he made me feel like he didn't give a shit because he does.  He said that the system is difficult and protects the criminal and not the victim.  I told him that I learned that first hand..I've been to court for 2 years now waiting for the defendant to be sent to prison.  I asked Mr. Carr if we were going to end it and not continue for another day.  Mr. Carr said they were going to request a 3 year prison sentence and see if they accept.  Ok.. sounds good I went to go sit down and wait.....the court room is still filled with people..........................10:00 am..........................10:30 am.....................11:30 am....................I told my girlfriend that I had NEVER had to wait that long.  I was told they ALWAYS accommodate the victim and move the case up as a courtesy......11:50 am we are told they are going to break for lunch at 12:00. (ARE YOU KIDDING ME) as the time goes on they take every other case in the room and my girlfriend and I are the only two in the room (visitor side).  As the time goes on I start to get upset.  Did this have something to do with the bailiff and the public defender Mr. Beaty??? Hmmm. I had to wonder... The clock hit 12:00 and the judge Mrs. Arroyo announces that we are breaking for lunch.  The bailiff walks over to my girlfriend and I and in a VERY stern voice says, "CLEAR THE COURT ROOM.  Everyone has to leave now." I asked what time should we return and the bailiff hesitated as if he didn't hear what I said...I waited a moment and with his attitude he just said 1:30.

We go back to court at 1:30 and wait for the door to open.  We are still the only two on the visitor side...all of a sudden approximately 20 inmates are brought in and the defendant is one of them.  I always feel this nervousness in my stomach when I see him. The good thing this time...I didn't have those quick flashback moments like I usually do of that horrible night.  The defendant has never looked directly at me and today he did just that.  The clock now says 2:30 and nothing yet...3:30 and they finally call the case.

I hear Case number 53 defendant Holguin.  The judge starts talking to the public defender  and I walk over to the podium.  The District Attorney Mr. Carr informs the judge that I am present and would like to address the court.  The public defender Mr. Beaty rudely says, "that is not necessary your honour, we have heard her already, she addressed the court last time we not need to hear it again.  The judge Mrs. Arroyo makes a comment and says, yes, we have already hear from you last time. (Can you just imagine how that made me feel? when I get upset it makes me want to cry.  I tried to hold it back) I asked the judge then what about restitution? I have not heard a thing about that and I have sent my paperwork in 3 times now.  The probation department said, we have the paperwork your honour it just needs to be signed.  The public defender Mr. Beaty said, OH, NO let me see that paperwork because my client and I are not going to sign anything. They were all told to approach the bench.  The restitution was for the hospital bill, ambulance bill and my moving expenses of $2500.00 The total was $16,000.00 and that was with the hospital giving a 6,000 credit off the  bill.  As I am standing at the podium waiting to see what the discussion is all about the public defender Mr. Beaty has the nerve to question the moving expenses and say, "no way, we are not paying for that lets go to court.  We are available at the end of July for this hearing."  Up to this point I was holding myself together very well. The District Attorney and Probation Department both walked over to me to explain that the public defender is having an issue.  I can feel myself just getting angry...this is ridiculous.  YOU people have had my paperwork for over 1 year and I'm now finding out about this.  The probation department said, I know Jacqueline, it's a game.  This is how it will work.  If you waive the $2500.00 he will accept the 3 years and go to prison right away.. if you don't we will go to trial and the defendant will sit in jail until after the trial and then go to prison....the public defender wants to go to trial in July so he can rack up more credits.  I am now beside myself.  I told both the probation department and district attorney loud enough for all to hear.  THIS IS RIDICULOUS! If he would not have beaten me up I would not have had to move.   It's not the dollar amount, but the principal of the matter! Why should the defendant have any say in this when you have all the paperwork showing the note for the loan and my paychecks where the company was taking out of my payroll checks.  Again, the defendant gets his way.  I told them all that I needed a few minutes to think about it and I also needed to calm down.  GREAT, here goes the tears.  A police officer walked over and gave me some tissue and I went to sit and talk to my girlfriend.  I knew I had to see him sentenced today and I was not about to put myself in a situation where I had to go back to that.  My girlfriend told me the same thing...let his ass to to prison today.

The judge  called other cases and came back to mine.  I am feeling so upset and I'm holding back tears.  I'm frustrated because the they are trying to keep me quiet and I have something to say!  I walk back to the podium and now I speak and don't care if I'm allowed or not.  I try to fight back my tears as I feel all eyes on me. I tell the judge how disappointed I am with the way my case has been handled.  I am the victim and I've had to fight for 2 years to get some type of justice for myself, my kids and my family.  This has been a long 2 years and it's just not right.  Today I'm waiving the 2500.00 which is just ridiculous and I don't understand why the defendant is so protected and I have to continue to fight.  I will waive that amount but know that it's the principal of the matter and I want to see the defendant sentenced to prison today.

As I look over the public defender and the defendant are talking and sharing a laugh.  One of the cops is looking at me and I could see he felt really bad by his facial expressions and then he looked over "at them" and just shook his head.  Do you know how that made me feel.  It just really upset me that that behavior is allowed.

The judge told me she was sorry I felt that way, but she has rules that she has to follow. She said I have to work with the defendants and the victims and the victims are not always happy.  I hope you can find some kind  of closure now.  Good luck to you.

Judge Arroyo reads the sentence and asks if he pleads guilty to the charges and accepts the 3 year prison terms.  The defendant agrees and is sentenced to 3 years in prison.

The District Attorney walks over and shakes my hand and tell me what a great job I've done.  I told him that I'm so disappointed in the system because the criminals are so protected.  Our system caters to them and it's not fair.  The District Attorney agreed and said he was sorry about that and it's true.  He said our system and people like Mr. Beaty protect criminals.  He said it gets difficult to work for the system, but he does the best job he can do every day to protect the innocent.  The probation officer walked over and said great job, we finally got him! He needed to be sent to prison and there it is.  Good job and good luck to you.

OH, did I mention that I was told that it was up to the public defender Beaty today on when the case was called.  I was told he did that intentionally delayed the case until the end of the day....now how is that for being fair to the victim..

I felt this huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I celebrated with my girl!!

Finally a return phone call from the previous District Attorney....(excuses, excuses)

I finally receive a phone call back from the previous District Attorney, Mr. Gardner (day before court...nice)...another lesson here..don't rely on any of them to provide any type of information to you.  Even if you are 1 out of say 3 victims that continuously call about your case....and the HUNDREDS that never call or show up.. YOU still have to educate each person on your case because you are just paper to them.

I expressed my displeasure about the new D.A Mr. Carr and informed Mr. Gardner that he made me feel as if he could careless. He gave me bullshit responses and I was really upset.  I asked about Mr. Carr and told Mr. Gardner that I didn't appreciate his attitude.

Mr. Gardner told me (here goes the excuse for his behavior) that Mr. Carr was taken off a triple homicide and was given the domestic violence cases so maybe he is upset with that. (and that is my problem how?) The only response that I could come up with was...ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Mr. Gardner, how many victims follow their case for 2 years.  How many victims have gone to every court hearing and address the court. HOW MANY! I don't care about Mr. Carr's cases or what he did previously. He still has a job to do and the defendant needs to be sent to prison, PERIOD! Mr. Gardner apologized for Mr. Carr's behavior and said he would go downstairs and speak with him.

Mr. Gardner said that if the judge is too busy I might not be able to speak, it's all up to the judge. RIGHT, ARE YOU KIDDING ME. It's my right as a tax payer and citizen to speak. OMG!  Sometimes I feel as if they want me to just shut up and let them push the paper around to they can make the daily numbers that they need. I'm not a number, I'm not a piece of paper, I'm not a folder, and I am not going to shut up and take the bull crap!! I will continue to stand up for myself and I will continue to address the court...so WHEN the defendants name is called you CAN BET YOUR BATOOTY THAT I WILL BE STANDING AT THE PODIUM WAITING FOR THE JUDGE TO ASK WHY I AM STANDING THERE. I HAVE RIGHTS TOO!!!!!!!!!!!! GOT IT!!!!!!

It's getting late... I better pack my bag so I can head to San Jose...UGH! No wonder my stomach is so upset!

Another District Attorney! Just what I needed (sarcasm)

I just want to catch a break.  The past few weeks have been brutal in my personal life. Especially the time leading up to going back to court.  Things have been so crazy and then I ended up getting sick with bronchitis and I've been in bed for 5 days.  Living alone makes getting better a little on the tough side when you too independant.  I am not the type of person to ask people for help because eventually it ends up getting thrown back in my face...as it ALWAYS does.  In any case, I feel that I continue to learn my lesson over and over again when I ask so I will now stop.  No matter what is said...it casually gets put back on you...so, enough of that..

I find myself getting so frustrated with our judicial system and I feel as if my hands are tied and my mouth is bound along with my ears being plugged.  Today I had to make the check in phone call to the probation officer and the District Attorney to see what is new with my case and let them know that I will be at court to read a victim statement.  I get to the point where I can actually breath without having a coughing attack...so I get mentally prepared to make my phone calls..

My first call is to Mr. Abbott, the Probation Officer.  I get his voice mail so I leave a message...."Mr Abbott, this is Jacqueline Alvarez following up on court Thursday for defendant Benny H., I want to know what's new and make sure you have not been pressured into making any sort of deal because I will be at court, as usual." My next phone call is to Mr. Gardner, the District Attorney I had been working with on the case... had to leave him a message as well.  I leave the same type of message for him.

30 minutes or so later Mr. Abbot (the PO) calls me back.  He tells me that he really doesn't know what is going on with the case and he has not been asked to do a full report.  He did say that if he has to then he will request 3 to 4 years of prison because he needs it.  He said that he knows that Benny needs to go to prison and he will be very clear of that in his report.  He then tells me that the District Attorney Mr. Gardner is no longer on the case.  I asked him why they would do that at this point and change DA's right in the middle I don't agree with that.  I told him that as the victim and understanding the system it's a bunch of bull! He told me that he understands and said for me to keep pushing forward.  He then gave me the phone number to the new District attorney so I hung up and call Mr. Carr.

I find Mr. Carr to be an arrogant Ass.  I try to talk to him and he just talks over me so I continue to speak as well until stops talking.  I told him I am not a bunch of papers, I am a person.  He sarcastically told me that he has no idea who I am and he knows nothing of the case.  I told him to go get the file, figure it out and I will wait.  He told me that he has 144 cases and court Thursday is going to be busy so he doesn't think that I will be able to speak.  I told him that is not acceptable, I have followed my case for 2 years and I have come to every court date and I will speak.  This is my right as a citizen and as a tax payer so write it down because I will get the attention of the judge. TRUST ME!  He asked if I was allowed by the judge to speak last time..(the nerve) and I asked how new he was..I told him I could careless about how many cases the court has.  I AM THE VICTIM AND I WILL BE ADDRESSING THE COURT, JUST KNOW THAT!  I told him to get familiar with my case and my name because he will see it and hear it a lot.  I told him that I did not appreciate his attitude and he was suppose to be supporting me. Needless to say when I hung up the phone I was so angry and just broke down in tears.

My first phone call was almost to my boyfriend..he use to always comfort me and just say the right things.  Hes not speaking to me right now so my heart is just over flowing with sadness and disappointment right now.  I tell myself this is why I need to rely on myself and figure things out on my own.  My head just wants to explode along with my heart, but I continue to keep it together.  I have been very sick since last Thursday night and haven't been able to work out and release my stress.  I no longer burden my kid's, family, or friends with the court stuff because it just made people uneasy.  Some people still think he will eventually do something and they don't want to get involved.  My family is supportive but I need to keep this separated because it has been 2 years now and they have moved on from the horrific beating of April 18, 2009.  I'm very sad, overwhelmed, hurt, stressed, depressed, confused, and on the other hand I keep telling myself that God has a plan for me.  God does not give us more than we can handle.....I have been feeling as if I have way more than I can handle at the moment....I'm not working..bills are delinquent, no money, can't find a job, court, personal stress, and being sick.   Sometimes when I get really upset I get sick..use to happen when I was younger..Rheumatic fever kicks in...I do tend to worry about my heart valve issue too, but again I tell myself one thing at a time.  Just one thing at a time.  I then tell myself that it could be worse. I have a friend that is going through chemo right now and that is hard...all of my crap should not be hard and I should not be complaining.  She has tough days... my days are cake compared to her days.  I literally went to my room and cried and cried.  I cried to let out my sadness and disappointment that I've been experiencing.  I felt that I could not stop, the past memories started to flood into my head and I felt my head getting filled with negativity.  I did allow myself the time to mourn those moments and put them to rest. That was my first step to  positive thinking and one foot in the right direction.  I could barely breath after that, but felt as if I need the moments to allow my hurt heart to heal if even just a little.

I call my girlfriend and chat a little and I feel so much better.  I am going to have some wine with her in the next couple of days.  Today has been so emotional and a good eye opener as well.  I will survive what ever is happening here and I will not try to figure out the things that I have no control over.  I have taken care of myself since I was 18 years old and I will continue to do the same thing.  I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Thankful for amazing friends! Do the memories ever go away?

Today is Mother's Day and I just got back from an amazing weekend visiting my parents. I felt so fortunate to be able to celebrate my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary with them. As we were are all sitting around catching up on the last time we visited the subject of the "defendant" comes up.  I fill my family in on the latest with court date on the 19th and start to tell them of the letter I'm putting together.   I feel so strong talking about the victim statement I am putting together and in a quick second I feel this moment of hurt in my heart.  I feel my heart start to beat faster as these memories of that night flash into head.  I start to tell myself that all of that was in the past and I survived that horrific beating...it could have been much worse.  Why does my brain bring those moments back? Why do I still have to have those thoughts? Please go away...

I walked around my parents ranch and I think about all my blessing and people who have helped me through this entire ordeal.   I have one person in particular that fills my heart and makes it soar with love.  I feel this love that I haven't felt in a long time and I count my blessings.  I start to pray that my world will soon change and that I will find a job. I pray for guidance, patience, and opportunities.  I have been working so hard to stay positive and take one step at time, one day at a time. My financial situation has to change..stay positive, be strong, and keep your head up!

I have to remember that challenges are my challenges and I'm the only one who can get through them.  I realize how difficult it can be for the person supporting you to have to hear about court or even attend court with you. My stomach tends to feel sick when I think about going to court and being in the same room with the defendant. I feel scared and nervous with the thought of going to court by myself, but I need to get over that and pray for the best. I will get over it... I WILL!! I HAVE TO.

When I think of the sacrifices people have made it warms heart because I know it was out of love.  They also know that I would do anything to repay them.  Not because I feel that I owe them, but because I love them.  I don't ever want resentment or someone feeling that they past up "a good thing" because of me.  That hurts my heart knowing I would always be that person who made them lose something that could have been a good thing. This court crap has lasted for 2 years now and I need to consider how much is enough.  I feel like I am losing something really good in my life because of the memories, pain, heartbreak, court, and all crap that has come with it.

This evening I'm filled with emotion and I'm leaving out a lot of things I want to really say.  I know that I am a strong woman and keep my head held high. I thank God for the people in my life and all the sacrifices they have made to support me. This has been a long hard tough journey and I'm happy that I've been as strong as I have.  I am thankful and blessed to be loved by so many people.   I am so thankful for everyone who has been by my side supporting me.  Just know that I appreciate everyone and every moment spent with me and supporting me.   This journey has been crazy!!

Taking one step at a time...........Helping with Zumba??

Another challenging day searching for a job.  I find myself slipping into a deeper level of stress this week. May 19, 2011 is the next court date and I can't stop all the pictures of that horrific night flooding into my head.  I start to pray asking for them to stop! But, in a second I seem to realize that maybe I need to remember those awful moments so I can write another victim statement to address the court.

As I speak to my boyfriend on the phone he seems to keep me focused.  I started doing the "poor me" thing and he does not let me get away with that.  I lost my job a few weeks ago and my employer did not pay me.  They left me in a terrible financial situation.  I never thought that I would be in the situation...I mean, I have not paid any April bills yet and now we are in May.  It's a scary situation to be in...lots of prayer.  I find myself putting all my belongings on Craigslist just so I can have money for a hotel and gas money, of course my bills too, but I need to make it to San Jose in a few weeks for court.

I'm trying desperately to get things going after my injury.  Last Friday I went to my storage to see what  I could put on craigslist.  I was by myself, standing on a dresser, and I was pulling on a lawn chair that was stuck.  I started moving things so I could get a good look at all the stuff in the back of the storage unit..Well, smart me pulled on the stuck chair and it came loose!!! YEAH!!! Wooops, I took a step back to catch my balance and took a hard step on AIR!! Needless to say the unthinkable happened..I feel off the desk and hit some drawers that were stacked in the corner along with Chrysler rims.  Luckily the chair was caught by the dresser and sofa!! If it wasn't for sofa and dresser, the heavy metal lawn chair would have landed on top of me. I was on the ground for at least 5 to 10 minutes in extreme pain.  I thought I broke some ribs and I  couldn't breath.  No one came into the storage so I had no choice but to get up and handle my business.  So much for that I could barely walk out of the storage and get in my car.  Top top it all off I drive a stick shift!  Talk about a looooooong ride home!  My boyfriend talked me into going to Urgent Care to make sure I didn't break anything.  All I could think about is being broke and making another bill.  So here I go to the urgent care and after hours and hours NO broken bones only a broken pocket book.

When I get home the pain is just incredible...I feel like I want to jump out of my skin. I am getting chills from the pain and I am alone.  I start stressing out because now I'm thinking how am I going to get money. How am I going to do this? GOD please hear my prayers.

Now, I tell myself one thing at a time. I'm focusing on getting better and what I'm going to say at court.  I am getting so frustrated with our judicial system and it's not their fault.  It really is all about the money or the lack of money.  Benny has not done right.  Since his arrest he was kicked out of his Domestic Violence program, screwed up his Alcohol class, received 2 DUI's and 2 Driving with a suspended license.  WHY does he deserve anymore chances.  I look at it this way...what if he killed a family coming home from the hospital with a new baby..would they care then..YES.  that is a horrible example but it could happen if he is not taken off the street! We shouldn't have to wait for him to hurt or kill someone and then take action.  He has shown that since his incarceration and probation he could careless about doing the right thing.  I will be there every time...GOD let this work out for me because I need to be at sentencing to read my letter.

I've asked GOD for so many things in the past few months.  Mainly to help me find employment and for patience's and guidance.  I have to stay positive and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

I have to say that I am disappointed with my current financial situation because I had something very important I felt drawn to.  I started working out and lifting weights..my work out is with Zumba and I LOVE IT!! It helps so much with stress and it's a lot of fun.  I've been going to Zumba for a couple of months now and I found that my attitude is much better.  After praying about guidance, my future, and how I can help victims of domestic violence.  I got a strong desire to become a Zumba instructor and help families release stress with exercise.  It's an hour or less with awesome music and dance.  Your mind just focuses on the music and HAVING FUN!!  The class is a couple hundred dollars for the certification and monthly dues.  I have never been one to even consider something like this but I am so into it.  I feel that all my plans continue to get pushed back and challenges are being put in front of me.  I am going to stay positive and just put one foot in front of the other.  I will get where I'm going and I will be helping people.  I guess it's not in Gods plan for me right now.  I'm not sure what is so I have to continue working on me and pray I don't end of homeless.  THIS IS NUTS!!

Well, I will continue to move forward and Zumba!!! I have to say that I'm so thankful for Beto Perez for creating Zumba!! Its changed my outlook on so many things.  Now, I just need to make things happen.  Here's to staying positive! Loving myself!! Making my dreams come true!!! God willing!!