Friday, March 11, 2011- Getting ready for Court

This week has been a pretty emotional week for me. I done everything in m power to become the VICTOR of my experience. I find myself having moments where I get flash backs from that horrific night and I feel overcome with emotions.  I know that it changes my attitude because it's always brought to my attention.  No one really understands the pain you feel or the strength you feel when you stand up for yourself unless you've been through this experience.  Sometimes I wish people around me could understand the small moments I experience. The moments are few and far between now because I don't like the word "victim."  I'd rather not have anymore flash backs.  I also don't like getting yelled at when I'm having a moment because I hear that I'm giving up my power and being the victim again.  I know that's not what I'm doing, but your mind can really mess with you for a few moments here and there.  Which is one one the reasons I try so hard not to think about it or talk about it.  No one really understands.

Wednesday, March 9th I receive a phone call from the probation officer stating the X violated his probation and he's back in jail.  I was told that he was arrested for a DUI and was incarcerated. His court date for the probation violation is Thursday, March 17th in San Jose.  I felt as if I could not speak for a moment and the felt this fear and almost like heat run through my body in a flash second.  I took a deep breath and told the probation officer that I would be attending the court date and I will be addressing the court.

I hung up the phone and had all the emotions and flash backs of horror rushing through my head. I was on the phone with the DA from my original DV case and told her that I was attending the court date and would be addressing the court.  This was the second time that I was informed of that he violated his probation.  How many chances should abusers get?  How many times are they going to let him off the hook before he hurts someone else or even kills someone? The DA explained that he was driving and so drunk that he passed out in the car. REALLY.  His probation states he should not be drinking at all. I am still disappointed that his sentence he originally received was just a mere slap on the wrist. He only had to serve 5 months in jail..however, if you hurt an animal you can actually go to prison or have a long jail sentence. The District Attorney told me a man was sent to prison for stomping on a pigeon...true story.

I feel that it's my mission as the victim to stand up for myself and say NO MORE! He is obviously a threat to society and everyone around him and on the road. NO MORE CHANCES!

I need to keep my focus and not give away my power.  Sometimes it's hard to talk to people when I'm having a moment of pain and flasbacks.  No one truly understands yet I receive a lot advise telling how to move forward.  The thing is.... I have moved forward because I choose to.  I moved forward because of my children and myself.  I moved forward because I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER allow a person to put their hands on me EVER! I moved forward because I was not going to allow someone to take my spirit and make me feel as if I did something wrong.  I moved forward because I was not going to give him the power over me. I moved forward because I am a strong woman and I promised myself that I would attend every hearing to make sure justice is served and no one else will be hurt by that man.

I must say that the flash backs have gotten better and less frequent. I am sad that I have not been able to help anyone that has been involved in a DV situation..  I will share this..a few months ago I read a post of a woman that was involved in a DV incident.  The police came the guy was arrested and the woman was hurt, but she was going to be ok...then the next week I hear the guy is out of jail and they are a happy couple once again...??? I read that the woman had a scar on her face which turned out to be from a previous attack... Another one I heard of from someone close to me was a neighbor that was in a fight with her husband.  They were in a physical fight and she ended up getting a head butt, and fat lip...I'm sure other things as well..the husband left and the wife did not call the cops.  A few days passed and the couple is now back together and moving forward.  Who knows why people go back...all I know is my experience and because of situations like that I've had to fight for my protection and rights.  I have had to fight hard because the police department, DA, Judge, and everyone else just assumes that at some point I was going to go back..and they told me that several times.  Well, that is not me.  Yes, I think I'm allowed to process this horrific attack my own way and I'm allowed to have a moment here and there when I feel over come with emotion and cry. It's not because I am feeling ...oh poor me, why did this happen.  It's more that I still have so many moments when I look over my should and double and triple check my doors.  I feel scared when I'm home alone and I try to shake it off.  I know when I move down South that I  will be able to get rid of so many of those feelings.  I know the feelings are because we lived here in this area together and it's a small place..not many places to go.  I don't believe that is giving up my power I feel I'm being careful.

I mentioned the Hitmen band from the Bay Area in my facebook post the other day because the X was the former lead singer.  If you ever have an opportunity to hire these guys for a party, wedding or just a get together you really should.  The band is amazing and they have big hearts.  They helped me get through some of the difficult moments. I will never forget how awesome the band was to me.

I will continue to work on myself just like I do every single day.  Just don't get mad at me when I have my brief moments.  I will get over it.. I always do.

Well, I guess that's about it today.  I'm getting ready for next week and pray everything will be just fine.  I tell myself that I'm a strong and very brave woman and  I deserve the very best out of life.  God gave me the gift of life and I will take advantage of each and every day.