Saying Good Bye to a bad frienship

I am not sure where to begin my story so I'll start it from the beginning.  I had a very good friend that stepped to the plate for me when I was down and out.  My friend saw me all swollen, bruised, scared and devastated after my horrible day.  We became close friends and he helped me get through the tough emotional times. He told me he would be with me during that time no matter what.  I could count on him and I really needed that..I needed to hear that.  I found myself calling on him a few time to go to court with me because I had no one else to ask.  Like I said, "no one wants to get involved."  All of my family lives far away from and it's just my kid's and I here.  I moved to this area when my ex-husband and I decided to give our marriage another try.  We thought if we moved to an area with no family we could give it another shot and be OK.  So here I am divorced from my ex-husband wondering why I'm still living in this area. Any way, my friends backed away from me at first because they were not sure if my ex-boyfriend would come back and hurt us all.  So my friend told me not to worry.  He would be go where ever I asked him to go.

I cannot tell you how nice it was to have a friend stand by my side and tell me everything was going to be OK.  I thought I was going to go through that situation all by myself.  My friend and I would go out to lunch and talk about our families, friends, work and my next step in the court process.  I never thought my friend was doing this because he wanted anything out of it.  I thought finally a male friend that I can trust.  A male friend that I can talk to and just hang out with and not have my guard up.  I remember a couple of times he lent me money when I really needed it.  He was the type of person who was caring and always made me laugh when I was crying.

A couple of times he did so some things that were inappropriate and I forgave him.  Some of my girlfriends did things way worse than he did so I guess I just kind of justified it that way.  It's weird and hard to explain my friendship with him.  I felt a sense of loyalty to him for standing by my side when no one else would.  I over looked so many things because I felt that I owed him my friendship no matter what.  He gave up his time for me and saw me break down time and time again.  I remember all the emotions I was feeling at that time and he seemed to just make me laugh and let me know he would help protect me.  Sometimes you just want to hear those words.

A few months ago he came my house and caused some drama.  He wanted to be more than friends and thought because we were becoming close friends that I would eventually be with him.  The drama was unnecessary and scared the heck out of me! He was not happy to hear that I had a boyfriend and I was very happy. He became very angry when I asked him to leave and caused drama outside of my home...banged on my garage door, calling me some horrible names and just being a real "Pill."  I told him that I not longer wanted to be his friend.  He seemed to be a little unstable and I have no desire to have people in my life that act that way.

I've been going to church and working on "forgiving." I also have this strange thing that I do..I tune things out and try to forget some memories.  I learned to do this when I was married because my ex-husband was not a nice person.  I was with him for 18 years and I guess that was my way of handling all the BS I experienced over the years. The reason why I mention this is because of the things my friend did i just put it away in my memory bank..filed...lost memory.  On top of this I am trying to be a better person and I feel I am doing it.  I pray all the time for patience, knowledge to lead and the ability to forgive.  I can honestly say I have never in my life been given the right tools to handle everything that I've experienced to date..that is until now.  I don't feel that I have had the right men in my life..with the exception of my ex-husband.. the early years were good and I have 2 great kid's!!  I have learned to forgive but it is still very hard for me.  I  put God in my life and that was my answer.  I always heard people say that and I have always believed, but never took the steps.  I do now.

The last time I spoke with my friend after all the drama he created at my home I told him not to contact me again.  I told him that I never wanted to see him again and if he contacted me that my boyfriend would be speaking to him.  My boyfriend got tired of my friends BS and his attempts on trying for a relationship.

Well, tonight my friend came by with a bottle of wine, gift basket and a bouquet of flowers to say he was sorry.  I had no idea he was coming because he decided to drop by on his way home from Reno.  I was walking out the door to get some gas in my car as he was coming up my walk way.  I have felt for some time now that I have to end our friendship because of all the crazy bull that he's been doing.  I have been ending my friendship with people that I feel are always negative or dysfunctional so to speak.  We spoke for 20 minutes outside and at first I felt this fear come over my body.  The "oh shit" what do I do? I think I was flushed because I felt this surge of heat and I tried not to appear scared.  I thanked him for being a friend and going with me to court and talking me through the terrible days when I felt so alone.  I asked him why he was acting so crazy and being so overbearing, rude, disrespectful and just an ass.  He started to get angry and threw all the help he gave me in my face. He said that I used him and I made him feel that we would have a future together, even though I never said the words..he said he saw it in my eyes?? I stopped him from talking.  I told him everything I had to say and I ended with...I don't want your gifts.  I don't want your friendship and I don't want you to contact me again.  I cannot be friends with someone who hurts me and brings physical emotion around my kid's when he gets angry.  I told him that I am so in love with my boyfriend and I have a future with him.  I can no longer allow a dysfunctional friendship in my life and I refuse to have someone like that around me or my kid's, period.  I asked him to leave. 

I must say it was a bitter sweet good bye.  I came inside my house and felt a little emotional.  How could he throw all the past back in my face?  Who does that? I started to play a computer game to keep my mind busy and away from thinking about the past.  I truly thought he was my friend during that time.. I really thought he wanted to be my friend and I thought he cared about me.  I never took his friendship as he wanted something more.  Thinking back..hind site is always 20/20...I still don't see where I should have corrected his thinking about a relationship.  I felt a loyalty and trust to him because he helped me out during a horrific time in my life.  We had long conversations about family, work and all kinds of things.  Friends don't try to ruin your relationship or make you feel bad so I had to let him go as a friend.  I felt so empowered because I handled it.. I handled this by myself!  At this point in my life I need to get away from toxic friends.  I think most of all I feel hurt because he was not really being a friend to me..he was trying to be my boyfriend.  In the end he turned out to be an ass with an arterial motive. I will pray for him and in time I will forgive him for all the harsh words.  Saying Good Bye to a bad friendship is necessary sometime.

Moving on with my journey

It's been a few days since I posted.  I started working and decided that I need to make some money in order to start my project.  I continue to research and find it upsetting that our system can be so insensitive.  I still don't understand why I had to send the DA and the probation office my Hospital bill, Ambulance bill, time off work and things of this nature 3 times! I am still waiting to have my restitution hearing.  It's nuts!!!! Just nut's!!!!!!!!!!!

I must say...I cannot wait to move to San Diego!! I pray this will happen soon!!

Always work in progress........

The past couple of days have been CHALLENGING. Man, my emotions and feelings are little wacky.  I finally hit that emotional brick wall..SLAM!! I didn't realize that I put blinders on and took off going 100 miles per hour.  I never truly dealt with the situation of my domestic violence so I'm bringing out ill feelings at the most awful times. That was my conclusion... I noticed that I was focusing on the challenges instead of the blessings. Was I just talking the talk and not walking the walk? I need to let it ALL go. Let it go!

I am filled with emotions right now because everything I am doing to be a better me is working. I am recognizing the behavior & I'm trying to change. Half the battle is recognizing the challenge.  I volunteered at Church on Thursday and Saturday of this week.  I plan on doing some more volunteer work too.  I'm learning from my mistakes.  I learned to stop and see the positive from every negative. I learned that I need to work on leaving the past in the past.  Most important I learned how to listen.

 The research for the organization is coming along.  I will be a solution or option for victims of DV.  I am trying to get some information together for my book.  I would like to offer this..my personal email is jacquelineralvarez@yahoo.com if you have a story for thoughts you would like to share sent them to my email.  Let me know in your email if I can include it in my book and also paste them here on my blog.  I don't have to list you name, etc. just let me know in your email. I am looking forward to being part of the solution!!

I made a promise to myself the other day.  I said, "I promise that I will always be true to me.  I am committed to my journey and I will make this happen." We all have a higher power we turn to when we need it.  I decided I need it all the time and that as made a huge difference.  At this point in my life I know what I want and I'm on my journey to get it.  I strongly feel 2011 will be my year for success.  The skies the limit and I'm off!  It also helps to have such an amazing friend/boyfriend who makes me talk.

Shameful...just shameful.

My gosh- I guess my last relationship really screwed me up.  It made me insensitive to another human being. How could I have had no regard for another human life.  How could I not ask how the person was doing? I feel I need to apologize to them and myself.  I had a moment this afternoon as I was sitting in my doctors office waiting for some test results.  I felt this surge of horror and fear as I connected with my harsh words spoken the night before.  I am not that person.  I am not a person who does not have compassion for others.  I have to apologize.

With all my heart,

Please accept my most sincere apology for my behaviour yesterday. I have thought long and hard about what happened and I realise how very upset you must have been. 

I am really sorry for creating the situation which I know I should have handled better. I admit that I was in the wrong and can only say how sorry I am. I can promise you that this will never happen again and hope that you will give me the opportunity to prove this to you.

I understand that it might be difficult for you to accept my apology but hope that this letter will help. I hope you can forgive me.

Jacqueline

Lord, Please give me strength, courage and wisdom to continue my journey.  I'm starting to blow it and I'm keeping the faith.  Lord, I pray for compassion and I never forget this harsh lesson. Amen!

Today is another day in my Journey

I had a long night last night.  I could hear the tick, tick, tick of the clock as the numbers changed. I got up 5 times last night and went to work.  As the moments unfolded last night after my last entry I had to sit back and pray.  I had to sit back and think about the conversations and my actions.  Was I being insensitive? Yes, perhaps I was. Was I acting like a "victim?"  I would say, "NOT."  A victim? I would not associate one with the other here..I'm still trying to figure how that line pertains to this situation.

The reason why I'm adding this to my blog is because it's part of my journey. My journey into being a better me and enjoying life to the fullest.  I am still feeling terrible about last nights argument and harsh words, but I cannot change it.  I cannot change the past, but I can learn from it and be a better me.  Up to this point I thought I was doing well...I feel that everything I do on a daily basis exuded progress and change.

I wake up this morning and read a very heart felt email response...For some reason I can't get this line out of my head.."I know you have worked hard to be a better you, but this has nothing to do with what you've done about you."  I felt as if I hit a brick wall.  Is this possible?  How can this be?  I am really trying to analyze the information because I think it's pretty important to my success in being a better me.  


I am trying to so hard to check myself when I start thinking in a negative manner.  I have noticed that most people go down negativity road. I was one of them.  I make a conscious effort to find the positive in every situation.  I really do.  When I have trouble seeing the positive I have to take a moment and look at it again.


I feel my journey has opened me up for many different experiences...(however, I did not give out Halloween candy because I felt anxiety about opening the door to people in costumes.)  Still working on this one.


I guess most of all... today, I'm sad that my boyfriend is not talking to me.  I do think my boyfriend is an amazing person and I love him with all my heart.  He has given me some of the tools I need for my journey and I'm very thankful. 


I feel that my journey is teaching me great qualities about myself  and I love it.  I pray that God will continue to bless me with the wisdom & courage to stay strong and continue on my journey.

WHOOOWEEE! Feeling good!

Wow, I actually feel better now.  I cannot wait to move to San Diego in December!! December is my goal month..end of year..start of 2011!  Now, all I need is the money..LOL! It's always about the money.  Good things happen to good people and things are happening!

Oh man, I go to Google Earth and look at properties by the Ocean in San Diego!! I pray that when I'm ready a place will open up for me!  It's only 2 months from now and how perfect of a life I will have.  Truly, you cannot be in a bad mood when you live by the Ocean.  The Ocean has always been the "piece of mind" place my kid's and I use to go to...actually we went all the time.  It's so relaxing, beautiful and incredible!  I cannot think of a better place to live!

I'm looking forward to tomorrow because it is another day closer to my dream coming true!