November 6,2009 Violation hearing

Well it's been 3 months since his release and he is back in jail for a probation violation. The District Attorney for San Jose called to inform me of this information. She is a very nice lady and I feel I can trust what she is saying but why does my ex boyfriend have it so easy? Why do I continue to struggle with finances, headaches and being scared that he will attack me again.. Johnene the D.A. says he will most likely get another chance, WHAT, another chance..of course he will get another chance. The system is for the criminal not the victim or her family. I should know that because I'm the one who had to protect myself and my kids..even the police officer's, several police officer's told me to remember that a restraining order is just a piece of paper. I am constantly looking over my shoulder, I carry pepper spray in my purse and I have to leave a light on at night just so I can feel some what comfortable and see my kids bedroom doors when I'm in my room.. Every month I stuggle to pay my bills..again I cannot pay rent and have to decide do I pay my pg&e, water bill or buy groceries...groceries it is..how much longer can I do this? I keep trying to push these horrible thoughts out of my head because I love my children so much..my job is going well but I cannot pay my bills and i am talking about regular house bills not going out to eat or to the movies or rent movies...sheesh I have not done those things in so long I would not know how to act if I actually went out again...why am I leaning to the dark side..why am I so upset that he is the protected one? I am going to court and I will address the court again and every time he violates his probation I plan to attend..I need to win the lottery! people say money can not buy you happiness and I must disagree with them..money does buy you happiness because you can actually pay your bill and not have to worry about letting a water bill go for 2 months so you can buy food for your family.. next update will be about the court date this coming up Friday.. I'm feeling nervous about seeing him and wonder if his family will go to court??? I'm afraid that his friend might try to beat me up..she's very ghetto and like to fight people...I'm praying that I will turn all this around and my spirit will shine in my heart so i can put all this behind me.. even if Iend up homeless I think I will fight as hard as i can so that does not happen for my kids and I....you know, life can be one big challenge.....pray for me.